Tag Archives: Wink

The Good Guys Always Wear Black. . . Underwear

The book’s release must be getting near* because here comes Barry yet again. This time, Barry has a thrilling story about why you should always wear black underwear. Although I’m not sure Barry’s really thought it through on this one. Still, let’s hear him out.

All right, dudes, let’s give it up for. . . Barry!

I am a dude of rather. . . substantial means. And by substantial I mean large. And by large I mean, well, large. In any number of ways. *wink* But the way I’m talking about is related to the pounds I’ve packed on since I purchased a really nice Brooks Brothers suit.

I put the suit on and, while the fit was a little off, I looked even more awesome than normal so I decided to go with it. Which, looking back, might have been a mistake.

One thing I know was a mistake was going out to eat dinner with some friends and eating a cheeseburger. I knew I was living dangerously, living life on the edge, as it were, but I didn’t care. See, I have lactose intolerance.

For those of you dudes lucky enough know to know what that is, I’ll make it relatively simple. I can’t eat dairy (drink milk, eat cheese, or ice cream or anything made from milk). That is, I can, but there’s some severe intestinal problems should I do it. And by intestinal problems, I mean, um, well, let’s just say you can smell the problems and you’d understand.

So, there I was: post-cheeseburger, dressed in a nice, but slightly tight suit and I was getting into the car to drive to work. It was at that time that my lactose intolerance acted up and I had to let it, ah. . . express itself? Yes, express itself. That’s what it did. It was rather loud and I found myself grateful that there was no one else in the car or withint a ten-foot radius.

Feeling slightly better, I headed off to work. I had like five meetings that day; in and out, up and down, before the cheeseburger began to demand that it wanted out. And it wanted out NOW.

Once comfortably ensconced on the porcelain throne, I relaxed and sort of glanced down toward my feet. Unfortunately, what I saw was the floor of the bathroom. Nothing exceptional, until I realized I was looking at the floor through my pants.

What I had thought was just a fart was, in fact, me ripping the nethers out of my pants. There was a hole so big that. . .

pants photo

You know what?

I’m not even going to describe it.

Here, take a look. This is the hole in the back of my pants that I walked around wearing all that day. Yes, really. This pair of pants. Isn’t it lovely?

That one, right there. See the white in the middle of the pants? Yeah, that’s the bedsheet you can see through the whole hole.

And I never once noticed until it was far, far too late.

My point here is to serve as a bit of a warning for all you dudes with your little dudes and suchlike, to make sure your suits fit? No. Um, not eat cheeseburgers if you’re lactose intolerant. Okay, good tip, but not the one.

Oh, wait. I’ve got it: always try and match the color of your underwear to the color of your pants. That way, if anything. . . untoward happens, at least you’ve got some sort of camouflage. Or something like that, anyway.

*it is. Our book, Dude’s Guide to Babies, has a new publication date: It’s March 22. Mark it on your calendars now.

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Dude Review: Monsters vs. Aliens

There’s high concept (it’s like Predator meets Mary Poppins on the set of Kramer vs. Kramer) and then there’s Monsters vs. Aliens. Which, when you stop to think about it, is absolutely brilliant. Brilliant, subtly (and not so subtly), loving homages to the 1950’s-spawned monsters-among-us movies, combined with a very retro alien invasion plot. Add in the funny, more knowing winks than you can shake a gelatinous blogger at, more than few very fine vocal performances, and you’ve got a winner. In fact, you’ve got Monsters vs. Aliens.

I know it’s going to be hard to believe, but I loved this movie. It’s like the filmmakers went rooting around in my head and pulled out all the stuff that really delights and tickles me and then put it up on a screen. Oh, yeah, and all three of the little dudes loved it. We walked out of the theater trading our favorite lines, favorite moments and favorite characters. An afternoon well spent.

The movie, which comes out of the Dreamworks studio system, was animated and created with 3D in mind. Unfortunately, I didn’t get a chance to see it that way, considering the oldest little dude hates 3D movies because he says he gets headaches. Still, I’ve heard good things about the 3D process, so you might want to opt for that version.

The world of the movie is a world just like ours, only with much more strange. Susan, voiced by Reese Witherspoon, is a young woman on her way to her wedding when a strange meteor crashlands next to her. Over the course of the ceremony, strange things happen to her until eventually she begins growing. And I mean a lot. Eventually, Susan tops out at 49 feet 11 inches tall (there’s that wink again, this time to The Attack of the 50-Foot-Tall Woman. No, seriously.) and is then captured by the U.S. Army and dragged away to a containment facility, where she’s told her new name is Ginormica and she’ll be staying there forever.

Already staying in the containment facility is a gelatinous blob, named Bob (voiced by Seth Rogan, playing Seth Rogan), a mad scientist who went a little bit too far and gave himself a cockroach head (voiced by House‘s Hugh Laurie), a 300-foot-tall caterpillar called Insectosaurus, and a half-ape, half-fish Missing Link (voiced by Will Arnett). The Invisible Man also might be in there. The facility is presided over by Gen. Warren Monger (War Monger? Get it? Remember the not-so-subtle bits I was talking about? Right there.) and given voice by Kiefer Sutherland. Life there isn’t fun, but it is predictable. At least until the unstoppable alien Galaxar lands and starts making demands and the monsters are sent out to stop him.

It’s brilliant fun. Full of great stuff for the adults to snicker at, crammed with visual jokes for the little dudes, and enough knowing winks to keep geeks (ahem) laughing for weeks. This is a movie you need to go see. Today.

I’m giving this one 5 dudes out of 5. It’s great.

— Richard

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