It was with some trepidation that I let Zippy the Monkey Boy and Speed Racer talk me into taking them to see the new live-action movie based on a line of toys that have already had a successful run as an animated series: G.I. Joe. I mean, I remember my own G.I. Joes, and even their semi-realistic hair and the kung-fu grip. (Apparently, so do the writers of this movie as they even make a[and I’m using this word loosely] joke about kung-fu grip.) I didn’t think I really needed to see an entire big-budget movie based on the toys I used to bury under sand and forget.
Well, I’ve seen the movie now and, it turns out. I was completely right. I really, really didn’t need to see this movie.
Of course, both Zippy and Speed loved the silly thing. I’d guessed that, even before I asked them, because I saw the same movie as they did, only worser. What they saw was lots of explosions, a couple of “BOO-YA!” moments, and lots and lots of action. How could they not love it?
And that’s probably what the executives who released this movie thought as well. Which would explain why they wouldn’t release it early for critics to review the movie. I mean, they probably knew it would get panned, but that aging toy collectors and youngish little dudes would be there in droves for the movie anyway. They probably figured it wasn’t worth getting any bad press before the release. It wouldn’t effect opening weekend, so forget the critics.
Anyway. The movie follows the adventures of Duke and Ripcord, both members of the U.S. Army special forces. They’re escorting some exotic weaponry from a factory to N.A.T.O. headquarters. This weapon is full of nanomachines, which can eat and destroy anything in a matter of moments. And by anything, I really mean anything. Including the earth. But N.A.T.O. is perfectly fine with financing and receiving a weapon capable of eating the earth without burping because the person who made the weapon provided them with a kill switch to turn off the nanomachines. And you know that technology has never before failed to do what it was supposed to do. (Sorry. I’ll not let logic get in the way of this review again. Don’t know what came over me.)
Anyway. Again. A group of people who will eventually be called COBRA attack the convoy with the weapons, using a super plane and super guns, and try to steal said warheads. But they’re stopped when three unknown, but reassuringly, obviously international group of soldiers show up in their own super plane and chase off the soldiers who will eventually be called COBRA.
Lots of stuff happens, including Duke and Ripcord using super-mecha-action suits in the streets of Paris, and Duke and Ripcord join the Joes and they do heroic stuff and the other Joes do heroic stuff and the people who will eventually be called COBRA do mean stuff because they’re meanies, but it’s okay because they get stopped by the good guys doing heroic stuff.
And it all ends happily. Or does it?
No, seriously, it does end on a scene that really should have had To be continued. . . written on it in bold, red letters. At least they left Han out of the carbonite in this one.
S0, to sum up, don’t expect any sort of logic or sense, but do expect lots and lots of explosions. And stuff. I’ll end it with the old saying: If you like this sort of thing, then this is the sort of thing you’ll like.
While I give it two dudes, Zippy and Speed both give it five. Take that as you will.
Share on Facebook