Tag Archives: Van Moody

More Relationship Rules

The most important part of any relationship is the middle. You can overcome a bad beginning and you can move on from a bad ending, but if you want the relationship to work, you’ve got to keep it going, moving forward and keeping it healthy.

Relationship expert, motivational speaker and author of the forthcoming book The People Factor, Van Moody has a lot to say about relationships. His people sent out a nicely detailed bit of information on how Moody views relationships and what we dudes need to do to keep them working for us.


Photo by Quez Shipman of EQS Photography
Photo by Quez Shipman of EQS Photography

Yesterday, I talked about some of the rules that Moody considers essential to making healthy relationships work in the office and at home. Today, we’re going to do even more.

Don’t repeat the past. The past should not define a person, and there is no reason to keep looking back. While previous events and actions might be a life lesson, the nature of every journey is to move forward. Don’t repeat those actions that did not produce the intended results; instead, focus on new choices that will effect a more desirable outcome. 

Really, it’s what I said at the beginning up there. You can recover from a bad beginning in most any relationship, provided all parties want to do so. It’s also an admonition to, if not forget, at least forgive. I specifically broke those two out because I think they’re two very separate events. You can forgive someone for doing you wrong, but you should always remember that it’s been done. That way, you ‘re not caught blindsided if it happens again. Cynical, but I think it works.

Don’t be a “taker.” All relationships involve give and take, so it is important to recognize when each relationship could use more of a giving spirit. When we think about what we can do for others instead of what they can do for us, we get to the very heart of healthy, successful interactions. In a strong relationship, both people willingly give, far more than they take. 

I can’t stress strongly enough just how important this one is. You’ve got to have a reciprocal relationship in which all parties are giving and taking. But just as important is one where no party is toting up the gives and the takes, trying to make sure everyone takes just as much as everyone else and no one has to give more than anyone else. This kind of scorekeeping really sours a relationship quickly.

Don’t stay in an unhealthy relationship. Unfortunately, sometimes we make a poor choice and enter into relationships that will never be healthy no matter what actions are taken. If someone is not able to accept a change in the status or direction, is not loyal and stable under pressure or in the face of challenge, or had once been dependable but now is unreliable, these are strong clues that the relationship may not be worth saving.  Don’t let feelings of misplaced guilt or sympathy get in the way of making good personal choices.

What he said. Really. It can be hard to take a realistic, practical look at your relationships and begin pruning away the ones that don’t work, but it is necessary. Mostly because of what we see in the next rule.

Don’t accept everyone. The people in your life right now are setting the course for next week, month, year and possibly the rest of your life. Accordingly, there must be a qualification and selection process for friends and others you choose to surround yourself with. Blocking the wrong people from your life is the only way to make room for the right people who help you achieve your dreams, enrich your lives, and create a happy, satisfying life experience.

It’s not that you want to be a relationship digger, only looking for the ones that can carry you forward, but it’s a matter of making sure you surround yourself with the right people who will help you to be the better dude or dudette you’re trying to become. If you hang around only with people who knew you in high school, you’re probably not going to act much differently than you did then. You only have a certain amount of time and energy, so you shouldn’t waste them on actions that are actively holding you back.

Don’t forget who and what really matters. The most valuable people in life aren’t always the most visible. People of true value bring fulfillment, not frustration. All too often, those taken for granted or overlooked are veritable lifesavers or ones that silently help us achieve goals, provide encouragement, or offer important insights and connections.

Here’s that whole relationship triage thing I was talking about earlier. Take a good look at the people with whom you interact, find the ones who mean the most to you and work hard to buttress those relationships.

There’s your homework, dudes. Right there. Take a good look at your life. See what’s working. See what’s not. Then have the strength to do something with that knowledge. It’s the direction of a healthy outcome.

For more from Van Moody, you can look for his book or he may be reached online at www.vanmoody.com.

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Relationship Rules For Home And Office

“No man is an island entire of itself.” John Donne

It’s true, dudes. No matter how much it might irk us at times, we all are beholden to the many and various relationships we build, strengthen, destroy and recreate every single day. Heard the old saying, “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know?” Yeah, that’s relationships.

And relationships are built on feelings. Which, as we all know, is something with which all dudes are exceedingly comfortable dealing, especially around other people.

Not only at work, but, perhaps more importantly, in your personal life. Relationships are vitally important. A bad relationship with your spouse leads to divorce court, if you’re lucky. At work, a bad relationship will drag you down and keep you from advancement.

At home, a good relationship will lift you up from the muck and mire that is the lot of all men, allowing you to see the splendor that is shared joy. At work, a good relationship can help propel you to the top.

Which means it’s time for all dudes to get a move on and start working on their relationships. Hence, this little post right here.

“Relationships are an art, and most of us lack the skill and mastery to help break—or all together avoid—destructive patterns, disrespect, and deception. Far too many people also lack the ability to have productive connections with others—those that help you achieve goals, sharpen your mind, and generally uplift and enrich your life.”

That last was from Van Moody, author of the forthcoming The People Factor, and a motivational speaker who concentrates on building healthy relationships between people. I know this because he had his publicity people send me a big release about some of his rules for healthy relationships.

Photo by Quez Shipman of EQS Photography
Photo by Quez Shipman of EQS Photography

Of course, because he’s got a book coming out, he’s here to tell us that in the book he will detail some serious rules that, if followed, guarantee you a great relationship. I can’t speak to the verity of his implied guarantee, but I have looked over the abbreviated list of ideas his people sent along and they sound like some good stuff. I thought I’d share those with you right here.

Don’t hide: While secret identities might be fun in the movies, a person who harbors secrets, and hides their fears, and beliefs from others will never be able to enjoy an authentic relationship. Being real with others and even making yourself vulnerable from time to time can foster tremendous emotional connections, including all-important trust, and forge unbreakable bonds.

I love this idea, especially as it’s right up there at the very top. If we can’t be honest with the people closest to us, how can we expect them to give us what we really want, what we really need.
Don’t tweak the truth. Studies show that 10-30% of applicants admit to “tweaking” their resumes—that’s certainly no way to start an engagement with a new employer.  Whether at work or at home, lying—even small white lies—will do nothing but undermine and compromise any relationship. Instead, even slightly altering the truth is one of the most destructive forces that can permanently damage a personal or professional relationship.

I can’t emphasize this one enough. You might think it’s a victimless crime to inflate your experience, but it’s not. Consider what sort of attitude your boss will have toward you when she asks you to do something you’re supposed to be an expert at, but you have only a vague idea what to do. Trust? Not so much and that can’t be good.
Don’t rush and miss critical red flags. Understand that a relationship is a journey with changes in direction, twists and turns, and roadblocks along the way.  It’s imperative to pass through certain experiences and navigate through difficulties to learn from these situations and create a healthy outcome. Resist the desire to take shortcuts or race through certain aspects of a relationship. 

This is a tough one for me. I’m constantly watching conversational flow and jumping ahead in an attempt to cut out the boring stuff and get to where we both know it’s going to end up at the last. I’ve found people don’t actually enjoy being preempted like that. Take the time to get it right.
 Don’t force it. There’s an old R&B lyric that says, “If it don’t fit, don’t force it.” Despite the poor grammar, it is quite insightful in its simplicity. Relationships that create positive synergy through mutual respect and shared values are worth your investment.

By the same token, relationships that don’t work shouldn’t be kept around because you wish they would.
That’s all the room we’ve got for today, but we’ll be back with a few more rules for successful relationships tomorrow. Join me, won’t you?

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