Tag Archives: teenagers

You Don’t Dress Up, You Don’t Go Out

If there’s one thing I don’t like about Halloween, it’s answering my door and finding teenagers not wearing costumes standing there with their hands out for candy. Seriously, dudes, without a costume you’re just begging.

The spirit (hah! Spirit! Get it?) of Halloween is found in the costumes the kids and adults dress up in and parade around the streets and/or bars. (Obviously, you know, only for adults on that last one.) You can let your inner geek run free and dress as the Star Wars character you always whished you were. You can let delusion take over and dress as the muscle-bound action hero. Or even as a gorilla. Whatever. The point is, you need to get into costume and into character before you go out wandering the streets looking for candy.

Uncostumed teens just tick me off. They shouldn’t be going door to door without wearing costumes. They ought to do what I did when I stopped wearing costumes as a teenager. I just threatened the little kids who were wearing costumes and they gave me their candy. Nothing wrong with that. It’s a time-honored tradition.

My oldest little dude has always been into putting together a Halloween costume. As he’s aged, he’s moved away from already-made costumes to ones he puts together himself, grabbing an old robe costume, buying some rubber stabby things and a mask. Viola, he’s a demon monk. My middle little dude, however, last year said he wasn’t going to dress up as anything, but he was still going out.

I and my wife, known to some as She Who Must Wear Costumes More Often, put our feet through the floor. We told him if he wasn’t going to dress up, he was going to stay home and pass out candy. He whined and moaned and pouted and shouted, but we stood firm. Eventually, the love of candy won out. He threw together a costume, went out and had a great time with all the other costumed teens out there.

Fortunately, my middle little dude seems to have learned that Halloween lesson since, as I said, he and his brother are going as Jake and Elwood Blues, the Blues Brothers. I, myself, am going out as Mr. Incredible. I know, I know, I’m dressing to type, but I thought I’d take it easy this year.

Now, suit up, get out and have fun tonight. Heck, you could even Wang Chung tonight. (another joke for the old people)

— Richard

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My Wife Hates Sam Walton

I love shopping for clothes at Wal-Mart. One of the best parts is, of course, when I bring the clothes home, show off the cheap price and watch my wife shake her head oh so sadly. I think most dudes can find casual clothing for a good price there at Wal-Mart. And, no, this isn’t some kind of stealth advertisement for the Walton family. (Although, seriously, call me. I can be bought.)

What I wanted to talk about was what happens when I take my three dudes shopping for clothes for them at Wal-Mart or any other bargain-basement clothing retailer. My little eight-year-old dude has no problem shopping bargain. After all, he’s the dude who has long-ish hair and will only brush it when I tie him down, dunk his head underwater and begin the hours-long process of picking out the tangles. My oldest dude, 15, has little to no interest in clothes. All he wants are shorts that fit his waist and white t-shirts with something funny printed on them. It’s my middle dude, 14, who’s giving me fits.

He’ll happily take jeans purchased on the cheap, but shorts and shirts? Not a chance. See, most cheapo-retailers don’t have shorts that fit his narrow waist and still hang down low enough that I could probably call them culottes and get away with it. (Hah! My wife owes me money. She said I’d never get culottes into a post. Boo-yah!) For him, I have to traipse all around town going to places where they actually expect me to spend good green folding money to buy clothes. I’m trying to break him of this habit, but it’s just not working. I think it might be time to just give in and let him have the good clothes.

I’d send him out with his mom to buy his clothes, but I’m afraid they’d come back lugging an entire store behind them.

— Richard

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