Tag Archives: Reputation

Raw, Naked Desire

I must have you.

I don’t care what stands in my way. I will break down any wall. I will smash any window. I must have you.

No naked bodies, only raw, naked desire, stronger than sense, stronger than inhibition. The man must have that woman.

Consider that scene. Consider the legalities. The social niceties. All those things thrown to the wind in the face of raw, pulsing, surging lust. Watch that scene with any woman (or at least any woman I’ve ever seen it with) and she will tell you that this is one of the hottest movie scenes she’s ever seen.

What she might not tell you is that she’s envisioning herself as the Kathleen Turner character. She sees herself as that woman, the sight of whom is enough for a man to throw away his reputation and his sense, just to have a night with her.

This sort of desire is something most married or long-term couples seem to be living without.

Dan Savage, the sex therapist, says he thinks a little raw desire will win out over kindness and compassion and sensitivity almost every time.

People have to learn to compartmentalize. We all want to be objectified by the person we love at times. We all want to be with somebody who can flip the switch and see you as an object for an hour. Sometimes sex is an expression of anger or a struggle for power and dominance. They work in concert. People need to learn how to harness those impulses playfully in ways that are acceptable in equal relationships. 

A little of what I thin is going on is that the woman becomes excited when a dude does something like this because she sees his desire for her and it excites her that some dude needs her that badly. Turns out, I’m not just speaking out my hat this time.

I got a lot of that from a recent book called What Do Women Want: Adventures in the Science of Female Desire by Daniel Bergner. These women, and I’m paraphrasing here, want consensual force.

By which I mean that these ladies want to be with a partner they trust and then they want to surrender control to that partner, allowing the partner to decide what, where, who, how, when and how rough. Again, this is what I’m taking from that book and that is backed by science, not just blathering.

I think all this relates back to yesterday’s post about the chores study (in which men who do traditionally female chores are seen as less manly and less desirable by the women with who they live) because of the stereotypical gender roles assigned by society.

Dudes, in this role, are take-charge guys. They are the ones who decide what happens when, where, with whom, etc. Sound familiar. Do manly chores, be seen as manly. Be seen as manly, stir up impulses of that consensual surrender.

Let me stress a couple of things. Firstly, this is consensual. I’m not suggesting it’s against anyone’s will. Secondly, I’m also not saying that a woman’s natural place is in a subordinate position.

A thinker named Pepper Schwartz says that while women may have always had these types of fantasies, now they have permission to give voice to them because of how much power they have in real life. “The more powerful you are in your marriage, and the more responsibility you have in other areas of your life, the more submission becomes sexy,” Schwartz says. “It’s like: ‘Let me lose all that responsibility for an hour. I’ve got plenty of it.’ It’s what you can afford once you don’t live a life of submission.”

Obviously, there is a lot more to be said about this. Probably why there are hundreds of books about the subject. If you’re interested in learning more, I’d really recommend What Do Women Want. It’s a great book, full of good information and very readable.

For a shorter read (only barely, though), I’d suggest the article from which I took a bit of direction and some quotes. It’s in the NY Times Magazine and by Lori Gottlieb,  a psychotherapist in Los Angeles. She is the author of “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” and a contributing editor for The Atlantic. When I last checked, there were almost 1,000 comments on the article.

It’s definitely touching a nerve. Go give it a read. I’d love to hear what you have to say about it.

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Sunday Serenade: My Boyfriend’s Back

Well, not my boyfriend, understand.

Just, you know, in general.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Look, we’ve just escaped from Valentine’s Day (well, most of you, I guess. Lucky dudes.) and I thought I’d celebrate with the original song that tells the story of a woman, unfairly spurned, who takes her revenge by sicing a bigger kid on a smaller kid and saying kill.

“My boyfriend’s back and he’s gonna save my reputation.”

Yeah, because nothing says that your girl is pure, chaste and true than whipping ass on some random dude.

Man, the 50’s were a strange place. Am I right?

Anyway, it’s a short song by The Angels.

Enjoy.


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Sunday Shouting. . . About Us. . . Again

It’s all about A Dude’s Guide to Babies here today, dudes. If you’re interested. . . You’re in the right place and you’re going to be very happy.

If not, well, sorry. Check back later and we’ll probably have something that will interest you. Wait, on second thought, why not stay? Maybe I can change your mind. We’ll see.

Here’s the deal, folks. If you’ve been thinking bout buying a copy of A Dude’s Guide to Babies all for yourownself from Amazon.com, now’s the time to do it. The more purchases we have in the first week, the more people will see it because it’s ranked higher. That’s good for us.

And, if you do buy a copy, please make sure to go back to Amazon.com and leave a review. It’s the same thing as the sales. The more reviews we get, the more people will come and look at the book, which will lead to more people buying the book. Please, please, please.

The earlier the purchase, the earlier the review, the better. We’d really appreciate it.

To show that appreciation, we’re going to be giving away an autographed copy of A Dude’s Guide to Babies. Barry and I will sign it, saying pretty much anything you want. All you need to do is send either of us an e-mail and tell us your funniest reason for wanting a copy of the book. Should we get more than one entry, we’ll pick one out at random. We’ll also give away a book to the best commenter (or one chosen at random) in this comment thread.

This give away is in addition to the book we’re giving away with all the WebMD swag we talked about Thursday and Friday, and in addition to the book we’re giving away on Facebook. It’s e-mail for the first one and simply liking the A Dude’s Guide page on Facebook for the second.

What generous fellas, us.

Speaking of generous, we’re giving of ourselves once again.

We’re going to be interviewed for an actual hour on Charlotte Talks, a local radio talk show on WFAE 90.7 FM here in Charlotte. This show has been on the air for years and is a true patriarch in the local broadcasting scene. Why they want to sully their reputation by hosting us is, well, sort of beyond our understanding. But we’re not going to pass it up, you understand.

We’ll be on from 9 to 10 am on Monday, March 25. The show is broadcast on 90.7 FM in the Charlotte area, and is on the internet as well if you want to stream live. It should be interesting.

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