Tag Archives: Platypus

Through A Glass Dark(Green)ly

Jealousy is an ugly emotion. Unless it’s directed at you because you’re walking into an event with two smokin’ hot ladies on your arm.

And by you I mean me and by two smokin’ hot ladies, I mean my wife, known to me as She Who Must Be Shown Off Every Once In A While, and her friend, the Sultry Siren.

It was an entrance for the ages.

Both ladies were dolled up, dressed to the nines, with hair swept up and styled just so. Dresses tight in just the right places, and flowing along suggestively suggested lines. High heels accentuating the well-toned calves in every leg.

Provided you didn’t look in the middle of that particular grouping, you’d probably have your eyes dazzled by the pure, raw sensuality they were pumping out.

The middle being me, of course. Now, I didn’t look bad, understand. I looked pretty good — for me — in my tux, wearing a shocked, disbelieving grin as I kept looking side to side. Still, I was all right. The ladies on my arms. . . Another story all together.

I wasn’t the only person who looked either. I noticed a lot of men glancing our way, looking away, then shooting another glance at us, their eyes slightly greener as they imagined how much better they would look if they were sandwiched between the two smokin’ hot ladies.

What they didn’t know was that they couldn’t have pried my arms out of theirs with a crow bar, three elephants, a camel and one very stubborn platypus. (Which, as you know, are quite stubborn.)

As disappointed as I was that I had to give up two very nice tickets to the off-Broadway production of Sleeping Beauty, I had to feel that I’d received the better end of the deal by going to the March of Dimes Signature Chef’s Auction. Unfortunately, no, the March of Dimes wasn’t auctioning off the chefs.

Instead, the chefs each prepared a single dish and then we, the attendees, would wander throughout the high-toned feeding trough, getting a slice of awesome at each stop. In addition to the food, there were about 50 different silent auction pieces, and another live auction.

Each item or service auctioned off goes to benefit the March of Dimes and that organization’s efforts to help every mother carry her pregnancy to term, and providing care and treatment for children born too soon or with congenital defects. They are, to put it mildly, a pretty fantastic organization.

So when I had the opportunity to dress up, slink out for a night on the town with She Who Must Be Seen To Be Believed and the Sultry Siren, there was no way I was going to pass that up.

Being the object of many, many jealous glares was just icing on the cake. And I love icing.

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The Collective Noun For Rhinoceros Is A Crash

by Richard

I don’t know what got me into thinking about this. Maybe it was from wondering over my six-word autobriography.

But as I was thinking about various ways to sum up a life in only six words, I started thinking maybe there was a way to consider what you most think about yourself or people you know. A way to carve this whole thing down to the bone. Boil it down to essentials.

I’m talking, of course, about collective nouns.

A collective noun is a word used to describe a gathering of a similar group of, well, anything. Mostly we’re talking about animals and, mostly, it’s something boring like a herd or a school. Occasionally, though, you get something fun like the aforementioned in the title crash of rhinoceros, or a murder or crows.

There’s other good ones as well: an unkindness of ravens; a maelstrom of salamander; a frenzy of shark; a scurry of squirrel; a sneak of weasel; a puddle of platypus; an ostentation of peafowl. I think you get my point.

The collective noun chosen is an attempt to capture the essence of each animal, mostly in a playful sense, the most important feature that is brought to mind when dudes think about that animal.

Now. Pretend that cloning is not only here but is going crazy and you’ve got a boatload of yous running around. The question becomes, what would other people call the group of yous?

For instance: I thought one way to describe a bunch of mes would be a babble of Richard. A quick flip through the mental family map brings a couple of suggestions for the rest of the Joneses. A riot of Hyper Lad. A sting of Sarcasmo. A climb of Zippy the Monkey Boy. A dominance of She Who Must Be Obeyed.

All in all, a pretty good selection of words to describe each of them. Even though you don’t know them like I do, take my word for it that each of those collective nouns has more than one meaning that could be applied to each of the named.

It’s a fun game.

Of course, it’s not limited to living collections. You can have a seating of chair; a mesa of table; a stomp of shoe. You dudes get my point, I’m sure.

Why not give it a try your ownself? Stop by in comments and let me know what you come up with.

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Platypus. Platitudes. Eh, Whatever

So, yeah, my middle little dude had his first heartbreak and the only thing I could hear in my head was an endless loop of time-worn platitudes. I’ve been through a few break ups (mostly on her part, but I’m sure you guessed that already) and I can tell you from experience that hearing “She wasn’t right for you” doesn’t really help when your heart is lying crushed on the floor, pulverised to the consistency of day-old oatmeal that’s been licked up by a mange-infested dog and then excreted onto an offal wagon. Or perhaps I’m exaggerating. By this time it’s a little hard for me to tell.

Anyway, that got me thinking about some of the more, shall we say, less helpful platitudes out there. There’s the mean-spirited versions:

She was a *itch.

I never liked her.

God, did you ever really look at her nose?

Then there’s the conciliatory platitudes.

dre0592l and I’m not even a fisherman.

Time heals all wounds. (True, but, boy do they hurt while they’re healing.)

You’ll find someone else/better/right for you. (Oh, so my feelings are all wrong this time around? What does that say about my next date?)

In the end, I think the only thing you can really do is what I finally ended up doing: Hug them and let them know that you love them, will always love them and think they’re wonderful.

Now that I think about it, that’s pretty good advice for just about any time. So, where’s my hug?

— Richard

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