Tag Archives: Nerve

Raw, Naked Desire

I must have you.

I don’t care what stands in my way. I will break down any wall. I will smash any window. I must have you.

No naked bodies, only raw, naked desire, stronger than sense, stronger than inhibition. The man must have that woman.

Consider that scene. Consider the legalities. The social niceties. All those things thrown to the wind in the face of raw, pulsing, surging lust. Watch that scene with any woman (or at least any woman I’ve ever seen it with) and she will tell you that this is one of the hottest movie scenes she’s ever seen.

What she might not tell you is that she’s envisioning herself as the Kathleen Turner character. She sees herself as that woman, the sight of whom is enough for a man to throw away his reputation and his sense, just to have a night with her.

This sort of desire is something most married or long-term couples seem to be living without.

Dan Savage, the sex therapist, says he thinks a little raw desire will win out over kindness and compassion and sensitivity almost every time.

People have to learn to compartmentalize. We all want to be objectified by the person we love at times. We all want to be with somebody who can flip the switch and see you as an object for an hour. Sometimes sex is an expression of anger or a struggle for power and dominance. They work in concert. People need to learn how to harness those impulses playfully in ways that are acceptable in equal relationships. 

A little of what I thin is going on is that the woman becomes excited when a dude does something like this because she sees his desire for her and it excites her that some dude needs her that badly. Turns out, I’m not just speaking out my hat this time.

I got a lot of that from a recent book called What Do Women Want: Adventures in the Science of Female Desire by Daniel Bergner. These women, and I’m paraphrasing here, want consensual force.

By which I mean that these ladies want to be with a partner they trust and then they want to surrender control to that partner, allowing the partner to decide what, where, who, how, when and how rough. Again, this is what I’m taking from that book and that is backed by science, not just blathering.

I think all this relates back to yesterday’s post about the chores study (in which men who do traditionally female chores are seen as less manly and less desirable by the women with who they live) because of the stereotypical gender roles assigned by society.

Dudes, in this role, are take-charge guys. They are the ones who decide what happens when, where, with whom, etc. Sound familiar. Do manly chores, be seen as manly. Be seen as manly, stir up impulses of that consensual surrender.

Let me stress a couple of things. Firstly, this is consensual. I’m not suggesting it’s against anyone’s will. Secondly, I’m also not saying that a woman’s natural place is in a subordinate position.

A thinker named Pepper Schwartz says that while women may have always had these types of fantasies, now they have permission to give voice to them because of how much power they have in real life. “The more powerful you are in your marriage, and the more responsibility you have in other areas of your life, the more submission becomes sexy,” Schwartz says. “It’s like: ‘Let me lose all that responsibility for an hour. I’ve got plenty of it.’ It’s what you can afford once you don’t live a life of submission.”

Obviously, there is a lot more to be said about this. Probably why there are hundreds of books about the subject. If you’re interested in learning more, I’d really recommend What Do Women Want. It’s a great book, full of good information and very readable.

For a shorter read (only barely, though), I’d suggest the article from which I took a bit of direction and some quotes. It’s in the NY Times Magazine and by Lori Gottlieb,  a psychotherapist in Los Angeles. She is the author of “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” and a contributing editor for The Atlantic. When I last checked, there were almost 1,000 comments on the article.

It’s definitely touching a nerve. Go give it a read. I’d love to hear what you have to say about it.

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Baby’s Gone Shopping

by Richard

Yeah, it’s Black Friday.

Normally, this is a day I stay at home, hunker down under my blankets, and try to pretend the rest of the world doesn’t exist.

For some reason, though, I’ve got this urge to get ou there and mingle with the sweating throngs of humanity. Or is it sweaty thongs? Sorry, dudes, I realize I just put in your minds the image of me wearing a thong. It won’t happen again.


I feel like I’m in the need of some in-person deals. I want to fight with someone I’ve never met over something I’ll never use, so I can pay a price that’s not really as great as I think in the moment.

Oh, yeah.

Oddly, that actually does sound like fun right now.

So I’m off, dudes.

To fight. To bargain. To shop and to spend. To do my part to make sure that, for this year at least, the economy doesn’t crater into the desert.

I make no promises as to whether I’ll be back in one piece. But when the urge to shop comes upon one. . . Well, it’s like Pon-Far, only with silk neck wraps instead of nerve pinches.

A geek’s gotta do what a geek’s gotta do.

Time to shop.

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Take This Job. . .

by Richard

There’s an old saying that goes something along the lines of “Be careful what you wish for. You just might get it.” Turns out that’s pretty good advice.

For a while now, I and my wife, known to the young dudes as She Who Must Be Pacified At All Costs, have been urging (read screaming at them) Sarcasmo and Zippy the Monkey Boy to get a job. It’s not because we can’t afford to feed them — yet. More like we think that a job will help them become a bit more self-sufficient, learn to be more confident and help them understand responsibility.

And also get them a few extra bucks in their pocket.

Well, now we’re well and truly hoisted on our own petard. Zippy the Monkey Boy turned out to be listening and then went out and got a job.

Here’s the problem, though. The job he got? He’s a delivery boy for a Chinese restaurant. Yeah. Zippy the Monkey Boy. This is the young dude who, seven minutes after getting his learning permit and driving the both of us home from the DMV, ran over a dog that darted out into the road.

This is a young dude who’s a pretty good driver. Unfortunately, he knows he’s pretty good, which means he’s not driving around in the state of paranoia and desperate fear that I like to cultivate in young drivers.

And he’s out on the road, looking for places he has never been and then taking food there.

Those nights when he’s out on a delivery can be sort of nerve-wracking. We know he’s getting all the good stuff we want him to get from having a job, but the idea that he’s running around out there in a car most of the night, and interacting with people who might not have his best intentions in mind. . . well, that’s a little scary.

It got worse when he said to me after his second night on the job, “Dad, I want to get a really big knife so I can keep it under the seat when I’m on the job. That way I can protect myself.”

Yeah. Not a great thought that. More on that Monday.

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