For some reason, my youngest little dude, Speed Racer, has become heavily into James Bond. He’s never seen one of the movies, nor has he read any of the original books. But he says he loves the character and wants more. So I gave it to him.

Big mistake.

I ordered Live and Let Die, starring [...]]]> by Richard

For some reason, my youngest little dude, Speed Racer, has become heavily into James Bond. He’s never seen one of the movies, nor has he read any of the original books. But he says he loves the character and wants more. So I gave it to him.

Big mistake.

I ordered Live and Let Die, starring the Roger Moore version of Bond, from Netflix and sat down with Speed Racer, Zippy the Monkey Boy and my wife, known to me as She Who Must Be Nigh Perfect, and watched a James Bond movie that I remember absolutely loving when I was little.

At about 30 minutes into the movie, I remembered that I also used to love eating dog biscuits when I was a little dude. (long story and not something I need to go into here. Especially because it’s pretty embarrassing.)

This movie was terrible. Released in 1973, Bond, as is his wont, tried to tie into the zeitgeist of the late hippie time and early libertine 1970s with success ranging from horribly inappropriate to just plain awful. And it was quite possibly one of the most racist movies I’ve seen in a long, long time.

I won’t comment on the clothing as movies tend to reflect what’s going on in the fashion world around them and, let’s face it, the early 1970s were no fashion nirvana and that’s only looking at the ties they wear. I mean, those things were so wide Lindsey Vonn could have skied on them. (Hey, look! A topical reference! Well, only a couple of weeks out of date so not all that bad.)

No, the problem I had with the movie were the appalling stereotypes filling out the ranks of the secondary characters. First off, there’s the so-dumb-it’s-a-wonder-he-remembers-to-breathe Southern sheriff with a cornpone accent so thick you can barely make out the words between dribbles of tobacco spit.

Then there’s Solitaire, played by Jane Seymour in her first major role. A typically ineffective woman who sticks around so James has someone to rescue and to look at him admiringly. Rosie, played by Gloria Hendry, is supposed to be a secret agent and a double agent, but comes off as a horribly clichéd scardey woman, who can’t help but get freaked out by a dead snake and a hat with a chicken feather on it. Good thing James Bond is there to comfort her.

Finally, there’s the movie’s portrayal of blacks. It’s so appallingly horrible I was cringing most of the way through the movie. On the small Caribbean island, blacks are hootin’ and hollerin’ voodoo followers, all wide eyes and open mouths (I could swear I saw Amos and Andy in there somewhere) and just plain dialogue. In America, black people are depicted as the worst kind of stereotyped pimps, with feathered hats and huge, decked out cars that a real person wouldn’t have been caught dead in. I really felt sorry for the actors who thought they were getting a big break by playing in a James Bond movie.

Seriously, do not rent this movie. If I could give negative numbers I would. As is, I’m giving it 1 dude out of five, if only because I could actually follow the razor-thin plot, not that I wanted to. It also gave me a good incentive to take a nice long shower after, although it didn’t make me feel clean.

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So let’s talk about unrealistic expectations. And, no, I’m not talking about the fact that every girlfriend I’ve ever had has walked off in a huff never to reappear except in Youtube videos that involve a lot of laughing. (No I’m not bitter. Quit asking.) I’m talking about the fact that Percy Jackson & [...]]]> by Richard

So let’s talk about unrealistic expectations. And, no, I’m not talking about the fact that every girlfriend I’ve ever had has walked off in a huff never to reappear except in Youtube videos that involve a lot of laughing. (No I’m not bitter. Quit asking.) I’m talking about the fact that Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief was the greatest movie ever made in the history of cinema and will continue to be the gold standard for visual entertainment through the millennia. In my head, that is.

On screen? Well, it couldn’t help but come up short compared to the visual feast I and other readers concocted on the screens behind our eyelids. Yeah, I’m a little down on the actual celluloid product currently gracing screens around the country.

My youngest little dude, Speed Racer, and I had to fight my oldest little dude, George of the Jungle, — literally — to see who would get to read the fifth and final book in the first Percy Jackson series first. We all loved those books. Eventually, though, George of the Jungle, Zippy the Monkey Boy and a friend, all went to see the latest iteration of the full-moon curse, while Speed Racer, my wife, known to me as She Who Must Have Popcorn, and I checked out the olympics (no athletic competitions here though).

While Speed Racer and I were a little bit disappointed, his mom came out of the movie with a smile on her face and said she really enjoyed the flick. She’s not alone. Currently, the movie has close to a 50 percent positive rating at Rotten Tomatoes, a movie rating site.

The movie follows a traditional path; boy with troubles learns he’s different, works hard to overcome problems, quests for something vitally important, finds out he’s the best evah and then wins against overwhelming odds. Sounds familiar because just about every filmmaker and novelist has read Joseph Campbell’s hero’s journey. The difference is in the execution.

In this movie, Percy Jackson discovers he’s the son of a Greek god and a human woman. He also finds out he’s not along. The Greek gods, it seems, remain a randy bunch. However, just as he discovers his true nature, he also finds out he’s been accused by the head god, Zeus, of stealing the most powerful weapon in the universe. To make matters worse, he has just a little more than 10 days to find the weapon, clear his name and prevent an all-out war of the gods. And all he’s armed with is a pen, which actually isn’t as bad as it sounds.

The acting, especially by the younger set playing Percy, Annabeth and Grover, is actually pretty good. The special effects could use a lot of work, really. The herky jerky motions of the centaurs were especially distracting. Still, I thought the actors all gave it the ol’ college try.

The problem, though, came in trying to fit in the important bits from a book that, if filmed scene for scene on a movie screen, would take probably four to five hours. The director and writers had to make some cuts. Unfortunately, what they ended up cutting out where some of the best parts of the book. They also took a lot of short cuts in character motivation. Meaning, characters would do things for any reason or no reason as long as it would advance the plot. I was especially disappointed by the behavior of certain characters when facing the snake-headed Medusa.

Leaving aside the whole it-was-better-in-my-head thing, the movie really was pretty good. Especially for those who came into it with no preconceptions at all.

I can easily recommend the movie for any young teen dudes and dudettes and younger. There’s no cursing or naked nudeness or anything like that. It’s got a good message and some exciting passages. I’ll give it three and a half (3.5) dudes out of five. Not bad.

I just hope they get a chance to make a movie of the second book. Now that one should be spectacular. I mean, here’s what I see happening. In the opening scene. . .

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Today is the day. I’m taking Speed Racer and George of the Jungle out of school and we’re going to have a dudes’ day off at the movies. We’re headed to see Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief. We have been looking forward to this movie for so very long. We can’t [...]]]> by Richard

Today is the day. I’m taking Speed Racer and George of the Jungle out of school and we’re going to have a dudes’ day off at the movies. We’re headed to see Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief. We have been looking forward to this movie for so very long. We can’t wait.

You might have noticed a name missing from up there. Yeah, I’m planning on leaving Zippy the Monkey Boy in school. See, he didn’t even read the five-book series. At all. Speed Racer, George of the Jungle and I devoured those books. In fact, we all almost came to blows to see who got the final book to read first before I came up with a solution. I cheated. (I won. I didn’t tell them it was out and read it before they even knew I had it. Basically I read it in one night.)

Now, I’ve gone on at length before about how awesome these books are (and they are), but what I wanted to say here today is, well, I’m rather scared about this movie.

See, I love, love, love and absolutely adore this series of books. I think it’s an amazing adventure, full of fantastic characters, amazing situations, great humor and touching emotional scenes. To my mind, they leave the Harry Potter books so far back in the dust, that old Harry wouldn’t even get dirty. He’s that far back.

My concern is that this movie will suck. And suck hard. If that happens, we won’t get any more movies and that would be a shame. Because, no matter how good a book is, you can be sure that more people will see the movie than ever bought the book. I really want the rest of the world to discover Percy Jackson (son of Poseidon), Annabeth Chase (daughter of Athena) and Grover the goat-man (satyr). These characters are such great role models, they’ll be great for kids to emulate.

The problem is that the studio is releasing this movie in February, a traditional dumping ground for movies in which it doesn’t have much faith. Here’s hoping that lack of faith isn’t so very disturbing.

I’ll let you know what we thought of the movie soon.

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