Trimming The Bush

Richard — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 05:01:46 +0000

by Richard

Okay, first. Get your mind out of the gutter. I’m not talking about that bush, I’m talking about the horrible growth that had come to dominate my face as part of my Halloween costume. By the end, it was getting to be far too much trouble.

I would try to eat, for instance, a cheeseburger. When I opened my mouth to fit the burger in, the mustache hairs were so long they would get caught between my upper lip and the food. So, when I bit down, I got a mouthful of mustache hairs and a lot of pain as the hairs were pulled out.

Not cool, dude.

So, yeah, I was ready for it to go. As soon as I got back from walking Speed Racer around on that rainy night, I went straight to the bathroom and got out the trimmer. I tried to cut it short since I don’t like the bare-faced look. I look like a liar. Or a 12-year-old boy who’s been playing with matches and burned off all his hair.

When it got a look at it, I realized it just wasn’t going to work and whacked that bush off clean. Still, I thought it was a pretty good likeness. I signed four autographs and had three pictures taken.

Separated at birth, no.

Even better, my wife (known to me as She Who Likes. . . no, never mind. This is a family website), who had cut off marital relations as the mustache grew, realized the error of her ways as soon as I shaved.

Good times. Good times.

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The More Things Change. . .

Richard — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 05:01:27 +0000

Some things, it seems, never will change. Take my middle little dude, just as a for instance. Zippy the monkey boy got his name because, as a little little dude, he would climb anything he saw. I mean anything. Couches, legs, counters, trees, fences, cars. Seriously. Anything.

I’d thought that as he grew older (he’s now approaching his 15th birthday) he just might have grown out of it. Turns out I was wrong. Very, very wrong.

When we were at the beach for our family vacation last month, Zippy and I parted ways after the deep-sea fishing trip. He stayed behind to eat lunch with some of the cousins his own age, while I headed into town for a little shopping. What can I say? That’s how I roll.

Anyway, he headed home with the cousins to an empty condo. There was no one home. To top it off, the front and back doors were locked and, he said, he couldn’t find any way in.

So, what did he do? Did he decide to stay with the cousins? Did he ask an adult for help? No. Of course not.

He reverted to type.

Zippy the monkey boy decided to climb up the outside of the condo to the second-story balcony, clamber over the iron railing and then open the sliding-glass door to get inside. Luckily, the sliding-glass door was unlocked and he got in without incident.

Here’s an artist’s conception of Zippy the monkey boy getting into the empty condo.

Considering the artist has never met Zippy, well, let’s just say it’s a pretty good likeness.

– Richard

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Trimming The Bush

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