Tag Archives: hate

Arm Yourselves With Home-Made Mini Crossbows

So this is what it feels like to rule the world through massively overwhelming force.

Or just the battlefield that is my home.

Yes, dudes, when you can weaponize hair clips, you know you’re on This screen grab is from the video posted by TheKingOfRandom.com and showing you how to create a mini crossbow from hair clips, popsicle sticks, hot glue and twine.the top of the family heap. Luckily for you out there in reader land, I’m feeling in a benevolent mood and I’m going to show you how I learned a method of creating a mini crossbow that can fire wooden matches, either lit or unlit, a distance of several yards.

This, dudes, is how you protect your cube.

Or just annoy the little dudes until they get angry enough to actually build one of their own and start firing back.

Whichever.

A big tip of the hat to my writing pal, The Dragon, for sending me the link that showed me how to create the massive crossbow gap that currently exists in the not-so-friendly-anymore confines of Casa de Dude.

Here’s the clip.

Pretty neat, no?

Pretty neat, yes indeedey oh!

If you’re like me and do better with written instructions, you can go here to download a .pdf listing all the gear you’ll need and the steps necessary to weaponize hair-care products.

I’d love to see whatever you dudes come up with after watching the video and checking out the instructions. Mine didn’t look quite as good as the ones here, but not bad and, even better, it worked.

Thanks to the mini crossbow, I now possess an almost insurmountable advantage in desktop weaponry. I shall rule with my iron fist, velvet glove optional.

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The Brightening Quiet

Sons of the South savor snowfall.

And alliteration? Absolutely!

Okay, enough of that.

Here in Charlotte, we received a small taste of the snow storm that’s been causing havoc in the midwest, the Pacific Northwest and all over the country, basically.

It’s causing havoc here, of course, but mostly because we see a snowflake and we freak the freak out. Seriously.

But enough of the whining.

No, seriously. Why are you all laughing so loudly?

Fine, whatever.

Anyway.

Walking Buzz, The Garbage Disposal That Walks Like A Dog, last night after the first day of snowfall, I found myself feeling amazingly peaceful and happy.

Yes, it was an odd occurrence. And I traced it to the environment.

I was bundled up like I was three and my mom was about to send me outside in the cold by myself for the first time. I could barely bend my elbows I was so layered. (Look, I was born and raised in the South and this is as far north as I’ve ever lived. Sue me.)

Anyway, that wasn’t it. It wasn’t the cold. It was, I came to realize, the snow.

I’d always thought it was a cliché, not based in fact, that snowfall quiets everything down once its settled. But, by golly, it’s certainly true here.

We walked in the night and couldn’t hear anything but the sound of dog tags jangling together as Buzz, The Garbage Disposal That Walks Like A Dog, continued to bite the snow, freak out, levitate while doing a 360-degree spin, land, repeat.

Eventually, he tired out and we were back to only walking. The sound of my boots squelching in the snow. . . That was the loudest sound of the evening.

Add that to the level of light in the dark and it was a magical evening.

The level of the light is my malformed and horrifyingly clumsy way of talking about the high albedo of snow-covered ground and trees. The white snow reflects back so much more light than does the ground or tree branches.

Because it’s able to reflect more light, it looks like the night is that much brighter, as if there were two light sources. As above, so below. If you will.

Even after the sun set, I could see the gray clouds, hovering above the white-draped tree branches, white over brown, arching across the new-fallen snow covering the hibernating grass in the fields.

It was a beautiful sight.

My wife, known to me as She Who Must Be Getting Cabin Fever Already, today asked me why I’m always so excited about snow. She’s not. This is the second week in a month where she’s only able to work less than three days because of the snow. Which means we’re going to have less money in the weeks ahead.

But still I love the snow. I guess it’s because I never stopped being a young dude, even deep down in my withered, blackened, cynical wasteland of a heart. Yeah, we’ll have to pay for the snow days later in the school year, but seeing that snow, experiencing the brand-new sensations in its immediate aftermath. . . It’s worth it.

I’m glad I live here in the South where snowfall is a rarity. That way, I won’t get used to it. It will remain special, something to celebrate.

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What Bugs You About Men? What Bugs You About Women?

What bugs you about the opposite gender?

I know I’m setting myself up for a real horribly bad time here, but it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while.

See, I’m considering a follow up to that wonderful, funny how-to book for new dads, A Dude’s Guide to Babies: The New Dad’s Playbook, and one of the things I’m considering is a treatise that explains men to women. And also explains women to men.

Don’t worry (not that any of you really were worried, I’m sure). I’ve got the whole thing figured out on how I can cram two so disparate things into the same book. Trust me, on this one. It’s going to be a tremendously fun book.

If I can sell it. And, to do that, I need your help.

Speaking in general, what is it that bugs you about the opposite gender?

Now, I’m not talking about, say, the way the second toe on Harold’s right foot is longer than his big toe. However, if you say something like it bugs you that men are always clipping their toenails and leaving the leavings around on the floor, then that’s good.

I’m really looking for examples of broad categories, but I’m open to hearing just about any ideas you’ve got.

Although it’s probably well-trodden ground at this point, I’m considering a bit about how men and women use verbal communication in completely different ways. That is, we use the same words, but they mean something completely different.

No, not an astonishingly original observation, but, as I said, I think I’ve got a new way to look at this that could prove funny. Does it surprise you that I’m going for the funny?

If you want, and, again, if I sell the idea, I’d be happy to use your name or as much of your name as you want used in the book as a source. You can even ask me to change the name to protect the ones who say they are innocent, but aren’t really, which you know because they asked to have their names changed.

If you’re interested in helping out, you can leave messages here in the comments, on our Facebook page, DM me on Twitter at @DudesGuide or use hashtags like #BugMen #BugWomen #BugDude. I’ll be checking any and all of them.

Or you could just send me an e-mail and I’ll happily read and answer whatever I get.

Thanks so much for any help you can give me. Even if you don’t have anything for me right now, think about it and try to get it to me later.

Consider getting in touch. I know there’s something that bugs you about the opposite gender, something that — from your gender’s perspective — makes absolutely no sense.

Let me hear about it, yeah?

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