Tag Archives: euphemism

What Women Want

by Richard

What women want isn’t just a sad, not-very-funny movie by a well-known anti-Semite.

It is also, and I say this without any fear whatsoever of being contradicted, a complete mystery to most dudes.

What women want? No frakkin’ idea, dude. No frakkin’ idea.

Although, for starters, I’m pretty sure they don’t want the kind of geekiness inherent in using a profanity euphemism that came from a well-regarded (for this sort of show) science-fiction show. But I’m going to let that pass for now.

What I’m talking about is desire. Libido. The sex drive.

With most heterosexual men, the answer to what men want is usually pretty simple. They want women. Naked. Not naked. Involved in some action. Sitting still. Involved in erotic action. Not involved in erotic action. Looking at them. Not looking at them. Basically, you know, just women. We heterosexual men find most women, most of the time, to be desirable.

Women, on the other hand, well, that’s a whole ‘nother horse of a different collar.

What we do know, according to some relatively recent research, is what heterosexual women do want is not men.

“For heterosexual women,” a researcher, Meredith Chivers, says in a new documentary about bisexuality called “Bi the Way,” which was shown at the NewFest film festival in New York last Friday, “looking at a naked man walking on the beach is about as exciting as looking at landscapes.”

Dr. Chivers, a research fellow at the Center for Addiction and Mental Health at the University of Toronto, says she has data to support this assertion. She recently published results of a study in which she showed people video clips of naked men and women in various sexual and nonsexual situations and measured their genital arousal.

(little aside here: genital arousal measurements? I’m not sure I want to know. I’ve got visions of clips and adhesive tape and other. . . things. Nope. Definitely sure I don’t want to know.)

Anyway, the majority of heterosexual women didn’t get aroused by watching a naked man do yoga or just stand around. What did generate arousal, though, were the videos of the naked women.

What really matters to women, Dr. Chivers said, at least in the somewhat artificial setting of watching movies while intimately hooked up to a device called a photoplethysmograph, is not the gender of the actor, but the degree of sensuality. Even more than the naked exercisers, they were aroused by videos of masturbation, and more still by graphic videos of couples making love. Women with women, men with men, men with women: it did not seem to matter much to her female subjects, Dr. Chivers said.

“Women physically don’t seem to differentiate between genders in their sex responses, at least heterosexual women don’t,” she said. “For heterosexual women, gender didn’t matter. They responded to the level of activity.”

Chivers’ research is one of the more recent that seem to place a woman’s sexuality and attraction on a continuum, with purely heterosexual on one end and purely homosexual on the other. Most women, she said, are located somewhere near the middle.

All of which goes to say, well, absolutely nothing. I guess we file this under something that caught my eye, or, maybe, it’s a funny ole world, innit?


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Talk Ain’t Cheap

by Richard

Speaking of sex. . .

Writing about sexual health yesterday reminded me of something important. Okay, yes, that too. But I was actually reminded more of a friend of mine who’s in the process of raising his own little dude. My friend, let’s just pick a name out of the hat, is named John and trying to work up the nerve to talk to his little dude about sex.

The problem, you see, is John knows a lot about sex. I mean, a lot. The dude was a hound, if you knowwhutI’msayin’. His past experiences seem to be coloring his expectations for his talk with his little dude.

And that’s his first problem right there. See, sex isn’t something that should be completely ignored or have discussions about it actively discouraged right up until the time you have THE TALK. The things is, sex doesn’t need a talk. What it needs is a conversation and that requires more than one little sit down.

Still, that’s a conversation for another day. For now, let’s talk about talking.

For most people, the idea of talking about sex with your kids is, well, terrifying. Mortifying. Embarrassing. I’ve never really understood this fear, but I do know it’s there. The bad news is that if you go into any kind of sex talk with your little dude or little dudette sweating bullets and stammering, you’re going to probably leave them with the impression that sex is something to be ashamed of. And that’s not good.

What is good, though, is it’s not all that hard for you to overcome your fear. The first thing you need is a mirror. The second thing is a little privacy. Here’s what you do.

Get in front of the mirror and look yourself in the eye. Then say masturbation. Follow that up with every single word you can think of that has to do with sex, no matter how vulgar. Get it all out of your system. Think of all the funny euphemisms for penis or vagina you’ve ever heard and then say them out loud. Make sure you do this often enough so you can do it without laughing or grimacing.

The next step is to start holding a conversation with your mirror self. Imagine you’re sitting down in front of your little dude or little dudette and think about what would be the most embarrassing thing that could happen. Then talk about it. Repeat your lines over and over. Imagine the look of horror on his face, make it yours, and then keep talking about masturbation or getting to third base or whatever you fear. Do it again and again and again.

Familiarity breeds, in this case, ease. These sorts of talks will never be easy for you or your little dude, but they are important. Especially because they’re just the start. Embarrassing and educating your little dude is not going to be the end of it. You want your child to be comfortable talking to you about sex. Otherwise, where’s she going to go when she’s facing an actual practical situation if she can’t talk to you?

Opening a conversation with your child about sex is important because it allows you to help instil him with your values and your ideas, rather than what that sleazy little dude from down the drive thinks.

If you’re uncomfortable about this sort of thing, just think about this. Would you rather be embarrassed and open a conversation about sex with your child, or would you rather take him to the doctor to treat an STD? Or put your life on hold to take care of your new grandchild?

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Conversing. It’s a good start.

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Head Banging

by Richard

As much as I love fall, this year’s is proving to be a bit more difficult than normal. You see, Sarcasmo is a senior in high school this year and that means it’s college application time.

Oh, yeah. You can bet that’s going well.

The problem, you see, is that Sarcasmo is like a lot of typical young dudes. That is, he’d like to do the least amount possible. For anything. Which means when he sees the word optional in a college application form, he thinks that means it’s actually optional. Instead of a one-word euphemism for “You must do this or you have no chance whatsoever of ever actually attempting to darken our doors, you scum.”

I might be overstating the case there. Slightly. But not by much.

The good news is that most colleges accept — nay, encourage — you to apply online. Those online applications are great, even if only for one reason: you don’t need to use a bottle of white out per page.

Back in the dark ages when I was preparing my college applications, I had to hand write or type every single bit. Which meant when I did make mistakes, and I did make mistakes, I had to either start over with a brand-new application, filling in all the stuff I’d already filled in, or I had to whip out the white out. Neither of which option was all that great.

Being a young dude, I compensated by only applying to two colleges. Fortunately, it was an earlier age and you could actually get into an out-of-state college fairly easily and, frankly, I got lucky.

Sarcasmo doesn’t have that first out and we can’t rely on the second.

Which makes working with him on all those short answers all the more fun. One leading question consisted of “My friends would be surprised if they knew what about me?” He had 250 words for his response. His answer, before I got out the whip and the chair, was nine words, including “My friends would be surprised if. . . ”

And the good news is I get to do this again next year when it’s Zippy the Monkey Boy’s turn in the barrel.

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