To Hyper Lad’s horror, that most special day of the year has rolled ’round again at last. Welcome, dudes and dudettes, to the most celebrated internet holiday of all: International Talk Like A Pirate Day.
It’s time to be slobbing around the mizzenmast, to threaten misbehaving young dudes with keelhauling, to scream about the topsail and battening down the hatches. It’s time to find your new Pirate Name.
Illustration by Ghergich & Co.
It’s time to embarrass your young dudes still at home by wandering around and speaking in pirate slang with a horrific pirate vocabulary and seeing things from a pirate point of view. It might even be time to listen to Jimmy Buffett sing “A Pirate Looks at 40.”
Okay, fine, I do this most every day of the year, but this is the day I’m actually supposed to do it.
Over the years, my young dudes have learned to love/hate this particular day. It was funny to them when I first began to celebrate this holiday, but, over the years, it became a bit of an embarrassment for them. I guess I probably shouldn’t have followed each of them into school, shouting like a pirate and forcing everyone to call me by my Pirate Name. And, yes, I might have gone a big overboard when I took to wearing full regalia and waving a cutlass at the approaching school safety officers. But, in my defense, it was fun.
Well, fun for me anyway.
Speaking of fun, I headed over to the International Talk Like A Pirate Day website and found loads of fun stuff to have fun with in a very fun way. See? I told you I was going to be speaking of fun.
I found The Official Talk Like A Pirate Personality Inventory, which sounds very official-like, don’t cha think. I found it to be an incisive look into the various matrices that mesh together to form the cogent bit of grog-drinking, sabre-wielding manliness you read before you.
I am: The Quartermaster (The ship’s disciplinarian).You, me hearty, are a man or woman of action! And what action it is! Gruesome, awful, delightful action. You mete out punishment to friend and foe alike – well, mostly to foe, because your burning inner rage isn’t likely to draw you a whole lot of the former. Still, though you may be what today is called “high maintenance” and in the past was called “bat-shit crazy,” the crew likes to have you around because in a pinch your maniacal combat prowess may be the only thing that saves them from Jack Ketch. When not in a pinch, the rest of the crew will goad you into berserker mode because it’s just kind of fun to watch. So you provide a double service – doling out discipline AND entertainment.
There’s also the wonderfully funny Pirate Name Generator, which I believe might, in fact, not care what name you put into it and will simply generate a random pirate name for you. Still, when I get the opportunity to be called Pirate Argus The Badly Burnt, well, I’m going to take that opportunity. If you’d like to be a bit more certain of the truthfulness of your name, you can always go here and take the Pirate Name Quiz, which will help you find the perfect pirate name for your personality.
I am, of course, Roger Kidd. I’ve no idea why it’s Roger Kidd, but I like what it has to say about me: Even though you’re not always the traditional swaggering gallant, your steadiness and planning make you a fine, reliable pirate. That is, um. . .Arr!
So get out there and grab some booty, terrorize the parrots, and kiss the cannon, dudes and dudettes. Have a little fun today.
And if you can embarrass your kids a little (or a lot) along the way? So much the better.
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