As long as there’s been humanity (well, almost as long and, when we’re talking about this subject, almost is pretty good), there’s been beer. Not that you dudes would probably recognize it as such, but it’s beer all the same. It turns out that beer, aside from its obvious benefits of making you taller, more good looking, smarter and funnier, has some significant health benefits.
A new study published in the American Philosophical Rectitude Informal Library’s latest edition of Federal Octogenarian Obfuscation Legends found that drinking beer can actually extend your life.
“We were as surprised as anyone,” said study leader Dr. Wilbur H. Ogilvy. “Our results seemed so counterintuitive, we actually performed the study several times. Just to be sure.”
Ogilvy said the study consisted of finding 750 young men and dividing the group into two, allowing one to consume beer as often as they wanted over a period of several days while in a congenial environment. The control group, those who were not given any beer to consume, were kept in a small room. The only view out of that room was into the lush surroundings of the experimental group, who were consuming the beer.
“Over the course of the weekend, the control group experienced several significant fatalities,” Ogilvy said. “Most notably when one member of the group became so incensed that he could not join the experimental group that he began hitting his fellow control-group members over the head with a broken chair.
“Normally, we would have stepped in and given medical aid, but that might have compromised the experiment. Also, we didn’t really notice for a while, considering most of our researchers had — somehow — found themselves as members of the experimental group. They were really busy. That beer wasn’t going to drink itself, you know. So get off my back, dude. Just, you know, get off my back.”
While the experimental group did see a statistically significant rise in certain subtle side effects (explosive reverse peristalsis, persistant vertigo, an uncontrollable desire to sing “Lynnard Skynnard” songs and a raging desire for pizza), Ogilvy said it was nothing that was really worth talking about.
So, good news, dudes. Sounds like a good excuse to go out and get a couple of cold ones. There’s scientific evidence that it’s good for you. And that’s real.