Tag Archives: Bro

Sunday Self-Promotion: Charlotte Parent

We’ve got a second home!

That’s right, dudes and dudettes, Barry and Richard are opening up a second home here on the internet. By which I mean that we’re not actually going anywhere, nor are we suddenly rich or anything. There’s just another place where we get to put a picture of us up an not have people wonder where in the most wanted list we’re numbered.

You might remember that we’re going to have a column in Charlotte Parent magazine every month. Well, things have changed a bit. We’re going to be in the print version of the magazine, which comes out near the end of each month, on the even months (February, April, June, August, October, December) and we’re going to have a new column on the website at least once a month on the even months.

I say at least because the fools wonderful folks at Charlotte Parent have given us the keys to the kingdom. Or at least the password to upload something to the website.

If you think we’re going to let that go by without abusing using it. . . Well, you haven’t been paying attention.

Not that we blame you, of course. We haven’t really been paying attention all that much ourselves.

In fact, we. . . we. . . Hnh.

Never mind.

Even though we’re going to be printed in the even months, we’re also going to have that column get posted on the website as well. So, if you’re ever worried about not getting enough of us here at the Dude’s Guide, don’t fret.

Although, maybe you should fret. Or see a doctor, maybe. I mean, you don’t get enough of us? There might be something wrong with you. And by might I mean there definitely is.

Moving on.

If you’re in the mood for a little fresh Dude content, you can find us on the Charlotte Parent website in the section on Charlotte Parent Blogs. We’re the Stay-At-Home Dudes column.

Come on by and leave a note. You’ll be glad you did.

Well, you’ll be glad you did that as opposed to, oh, I don’t know, maybe hitting your thumb with a hammer. Yeah, definitely more glad than doing that.

The Dude’s Guide: Better than hitting your thumb with a hammer.

I’m thinking of getting that embroidered on a mug or something.

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The Brightening Quiet

Sons of the South savor snowfall.

And alliteration? Absolutely!

Okay, enough of that.

Here in Charlotte, we received a small taste of the snow storm that’s been causing havoc in the midwest, the Pacific Northwest and all over the country, basically.

It’s causing havoc here, of course, but mostly because we see a snowflake and we freak the freak out. Seriously.

But enough of the whining.

No, seriously. Why are you all laughing so loudly?

Fine, whatever.

Anyway.

Walking Buzz, The Garbage Disposal That Walks Like A Dog, last night after the first day of snowfall, I found myself feeling amazingly peaceful and happy.

Yes, it was an odd occurrence. And I traced it to the environment.

I was bundled up like I was three and my mom was about to send me outside in the cold by myself for the first time. I could barely bend my elbows I was so layered. (Look, I was born and raised in the South and this is as far north as I’ve ever lived. Sue me.)

Anyway, that wasn’t it. It wasn’t the cold. It was, I came to realize, the snow.

I’d always thought it was a cliché, not based in fact, that snowfall quiets everything down once its settled. But, by golly, it’s certainly true here.

We walked in the night and couldn’t hear anything but the sound of dog tags jangling together as Buzz, The Garbage Disposal That Walks Like A Dog, continued to bite the snow, freak out, levitate while doing a 360-degree spin, land, repeat.

Eventually, he tired out and we were back to only walking. The sound of my boots squelching in the snow. . . That was the loudest sound of the evening.

Add that to the level of light in the dark and it was a magical evening.

The level of the light is my malformed and horrifyingly clumsy way of talking about the high albedo of snow-covered ground and trees. The white snow reflects back so much more light than does the ground or tree branches.

Because it’s able to reflect more light, it looks like the night is that much brighter, as if there were two light sources. As above, so below. If you will.

Even after the sun set, I could see the gray clouds, hovering above the white-draped tree branches, white over brown, arching across the new-fallen snow covering the hibernating grass in the fields.

It was a beautiful sight.

My wife, known to me as She Who Must Be Getting Cabin Fever Already, today asked me why I’m always so excited about snow. She’s not. This is the second week in a month where she’s only able to work less than three days because of the snow. Which means we’re going to have less money in the weeks ahead.

But still I love the snow. I guess it’s because I never stopped being a young dude, even deep down in my withered, blackened, cynical wasteland of a heart. Yeah, we’ll have to pay for the snow days later in the school year, but seeing that snow, experiencing the brand-new sensations in its immediate aftermath. . . It’s worth it.

I’m glad I live here in the South where snowfall is a rarity. That way, I won’t get used to it. It will remain special, something to celebrate.

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Signs Of The Imminent Demise Of Western Civilization: Part 1

Do you dudes hear that sound?

So heartrending, so broken?

That’s me, weeping for the future. I have seen too much, dudes. It’s. . . horrible. It’s appalling. It’s here.

It’s. . . wigs for bald babies.

No. I’m not kidding. I only wish to FSM I was.

BabyBangs claims on its website to be the first and only ready-to-wear “hairstyle headbands” ever made.

“Our patent pending HAIR+band accessory combination allows baby girls (with little or no hair at all) the opportunity to have a beautifully realistic HAIR style in a SNAP!!” the description reads.

Lisa R. Campbell, the creator of BabyBangs, told ABC News the product is “geared towards toddlers and little girls who have not been blessed with any substantial hair growth of their own as of yet.”

Seriously, Lisa R. Campbell? This is how you pass your time, inventing a need like baby wigs? You’ve certainly got an inventive mind. Why not put it to use for good, rather than evil.HT_baby_bangs_lpl_130711_25x14_992

I mean, the first thought that pops into my head — no surprise — is: What’s wrong with bald? Okay, sure, I’m a little biased, being of the follicularly challenged myself and consider myself to be a bit less repulsive than a slobbering zombie (I don’t smell nearly as badly), but for kids. . . Really?

Babies are born that way. Heck, not only do the majority of kids come out of the womb bearing very little hair, there also are baby dudes and dudettes who come out with a full head of hair and then — zap — lose it all.

Zippy the Monkey Boy was one such baby dude. He came out with some thick black hair, looking more like Elvis than anyone else in our family. Then he lost it all over a couple of months. When it came back, it was a shade of blonde that lightened and darkened with the summer months.

At no point in any of that time did I think to myself that I was so embarrassed by the bald head of my second born that I would have to rush right out and buy a wig to hid his horribly bald head. Not once.

It’s what babies are. They don’t come out fully formed. They don’t come out looking how they’ll look for the rest of their lives, only (we hope) smaller. That’s the whole point of being a baby and going through childhood and adolescence: change and growth.

The story also comes with a picture of a baby dudette wearing one of the wigs. Sure the little dudette looks cute with the wig on, but she looks just as cute — maybe even cuter — without the wig.

Apparently, the reason goes that parents will buy the wig for their baby girls to prevent people from thinking the little dudette is a dude. Really? That’s your worst concern for the baby? Getting the kid confused for a different gender is part of the fun of having a baby.

Campbell, the inventor, disagrees with me. Of course. “Just think about it. There’s always going to be bald baby girls. And some mothers of bald baby girls may want their daughters to look extra nice for a special occasion or two.”

Of course, that’s not even the worst part of all this. It seems Campbell knew there would be some. . . resistance to her horribly unpleasant, appalling piece of grotesquerie.

“I never knew it would be this difficult for BabyBangs to be accepted as a valid product and not looked upon as a stupid and worthless piece of junk,” she said.

Wow, that shows a level of self-involvement almost up there with the concept of creating this in the first place.

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