Tag Archives: Bigfoot

How Bigfoot Fits Into His Genes

Bigfoot still is a mystery, dudes. I know. It’s a bit shocking.

Especially considering all the hoo-ha a couple of months ago when a researcher claimed she had a some viable Bigfoot cells and was on the cusp of being able to sequence the entire Bigfoot genome.

You might recall, reputable scientists did just that a number of years ago, under the aegis of the Human Genome Project. We know where every single AGCT goes in our randy little genes. That knowledge should enable us, in the years to come, to delicately craft designer medications that will work best for you, or for that guy over there. Or maybe that dudette in the front row.

Handy thing, knowing yer entire genome.

Imagine my excitement when I learned that Dr. Melba Ketchum, a Texas-based forensic scientist and the face in front of the genome-sequencing effort, announced to a disbelieving world that she was getting ready to map the elusive possibly-primate’s genetic sequence.

Of course, the disbelieving LAME-stream science community poo-pooed the idea. So Ketchum and the others in her group, took their paper describing the Bigfoot genome and got it published in a scientific journal: the online De Novo . In case you don’t keep up with the scientific literature and find you don’t know the name of this journal, that’s because, prior to this paper being published, it didn’t actually exist. And the only paper that the De Novo ever printed was Ketchum’s paper on Bigfoot.

That’s right. Ketchum and her group purchased an existing journal, renamed it De Novo and then published their paper. A paper which: conclusively proves that the Sasquatch exist as an extant hominin and are a direct maternal descendant of modern humans.”

According to Ketchum and her group, the DNA shows a distinct speciation effect, showing that Bigfoot is not human, but a mix of human and something else.

So, yeah. That’s that. Case closed. Bigfoot exists and is the product of relatively recent intermingling between humans and some other primate. By relatively recently, of course, we’re talking tens of thousands of years. Geologic time, you see. Unfortunately for Ketchum and the rest of her group, there’s a whole bunch of scientists who don’t see it the same way she does, including John Timmer, the science editor for Ars Technica.

Timmer and other biologists looked at the samples and saw contamination of the sample, bad science and decomposition of the supposed DNA sample. In other words, it wouldn’t work. Period.

My initial analysis suggested that the “genome sequence” was an artifact, the product of a combination of contamination, degradation, and poor assembly methods. And every other biologist I showed it to reached the same conclusion. Ketchum couldn’t disagree more. “We’ve done everything in our power to make sure the paper was absolutely above-board and well done,” she told Ars. “I don’t know what else we could have done short of spending another few years working on the genome. But all we wanted to do was prove they existed, and I think we did that.”

Timmer has a fantastic article that goes through Ketchum’s research, talking with the good doctor herself, step by step and points out where things got a little wonky.

This is a great example of public science journalism. He’s not out there to make fun of Ketchum. He’s not some sort of rabid disbeliever out to debunk the “TRUTH” (notice the all-caps. Yeah, it’s that kind of truth.). He’s a scientist, a journalist and a curious man.

Go check it out. It makes for a fascinating read.

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Summer Safety 1

by Richard

Dude, is it hot out there. (How hot is it?) So hot the eggs are frying before they even hit the sidewalk. What? Not funny? No, probably not. Still, it is hot and it is summer. So I thought I’d pop out a few summer safety myths. You know, stuff you think will keep you safe but probably won’t. In other words, stuff that’s going to make you feel very, very guilty.

Hey, it’s my gift to you.

Myth 1: Provided adults are around, pool parties are safe.

Yeti: Most drownings occur when adults are closer than you’d think. The problem isn’t isolation, it’s commotion. Mostly there’s so much going on, adults just don’t happen to see when one little child starts getting into trouble.

Capture: One solution would be to have an adult be the designated pool watcher. You know, like a lifeguard. Well, not like a lifeguard, exactly a lifeguard. Except you wouldn’t have to wear those skimpy red bathing suits. Really. Don’t wear them. Make sure the pool doesn’t have too many toys and you should be ready to watch. Notice I said watch, not sit in a chair and read.

Myth 2: You won’t get heat stroke or heat exhaustion until July or August, when the temperatures really soar.

Bigfoot: Au contraire, my friend. Heat stroke and heat exhaustion are, in fact, more common during the early summer months because our bodies haven’t acclimated to the heat yet.

Capture: Give yourself a chance to get used to the heat. Remember, when the summer’s starting, you’re not really in the shape you were last August or so. Pace yourself and don’t work so hard out in the summer heat.

Myth 3: It’s safe to keep little dudes and dudettes in car seats when you’re only running in to the store for a quick errand.

Kraken: Seriously? After the spate of news stories about this every year, there are still people who believe it? It is most definitely not true.

Capture: Allow me to use upper case and bold here: DO NOT LEAVE YOUR LITTLE DUDES OR DUDETTES INSIDE A CAR SEAT OR CAR WHEN YOU ARE NOT IN THE CAR. Simple enough, yeah? Sometimes it’s a pain in the butt to get them unstrapped and carry them with you, but it’s easier than planning a funeral. And that’s no joke.

Myth 4: You only need to drink water when you’re thirsty.

Jackalope: Not even close to right. By the time you’re thirsty, you might already be dehydrated.

Capture: You know the drill. Drink water throughout the day. Not only will it keep you from getting dehydrated and, thus, prone to more damaging illness, it’ll also keep you from getting too hungry. Swim suit season, don’tchaknow?

More fun safety tips tomorrow.

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Lost

I think my oldest little dude, Sarcasmo, has become mythical. Now that it’s summer and he doesn’t have anywhere he has to be, he’s spending a lot (and I mean a lot) of time upstairs either in his room or the family room. I seem to only see him at meal times and then only for seconds as he vacuums up his food and then disappears.

In fact, I’m seeing him so little that I’m thinking of sending a cryptozoologist out to look for him, just to validate my belief that Sarcasmo is still alive and well. Just not visible. The cryptozoologist will probably come back with some sort of Bigfoot photo. Won’t that be wonderful?

I remember back in the dim, dark days of yesteryear when the dinosaurs still ruled the earth and we had to walk uphill both ways to and from school to get an education, that I was, well, sort of anti-social as well. When I was his age. Sort of.

I distinctly remember going down to Houston to visit my aunt, uncle and cousins. I took a cowboy hat along. And a big coat. As soon as we hit the home of our relatives, I put on the coat and hat. Then I pulled down the brim of the hat in front so you couldn’t see my face. I then spent as much time as possible with my back against the wall, my head down and my hat over my eyes. I was playing sea urchin and daring anyone to come too close to my spine. I’m sure my parents, aunt and uncle were too busy trying not to laugh to really appreciate the angst I felt.

All of which gives me a little sympathy for ol’ Sarsmo. I — dimly — remember what it’s like to be 16 and know that you’re under the thumb of the dumbest people in the entire world. People who can’t see what’s so plain to you, that you really do know everything. And they’re idiots. So why won’t they just do what you tell them to do?

It’s a very clear, very logical mindset. When you’re his age, that is. So we’re giving him a little space. Space to brood. To fill up the room with angst. To think about how unfair the world is and how he’d change it for the better if he were in charge.

Oh yeah. And to read a lot of books and watch a lot of TV. I mean, it’s not like he’s forgotten the important things in life, you know?

— Richard

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