A Dude's Guide. . . to everything

Congratulations, Dude! And More From The Expo

Congratulations go out to our new favorite dude, Aaron C. He’s the lucky dude who won that fantastic WebMD baby prize pack.

You had to be at it to win it, but he was there and he did win. At the Baby Shower & Toddler Expo, Barry and I set up a nice little bowl (actually a former container for trail mix from Tarzhay) so people could drop their contact information and possibly win the great stuff.

WebMD is a very nice outfit, quite generous.

So, Aaron C.? We’re trying to reach you by e-mail so we can find a way to get you the prize package. If you know Aaron C., and, really, why wouldn’t you?, give him a pat on the back and a hearty smile, one that just barely hides the jealousy seething within as you contemplate the raw, appalling emotional wound festering inside you all because you decided to sit home last weekend.

And now for something. . . not so completely different.

Here’s a little something I wrote during the Expo. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. All events are fictional, and any resemblance to any person or group, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Barry is dancing again.

He’s dancing to Hell’s House Band. I’ll have nightmares about this for years to come. Those appalling puppet things, with their blank, dead eyes, moving in hitching, jerking spasms that only vaguely resemble human musculature. And Barry. His face contorted in some rictus, rather than a smile.

And he’s . . . moving. I can’t call it dancing, I just can’t. There’s something missing in this, some essential joy that has been driven out in his all-consuming desire to please his puppety masters.

This Expo has been so long. I’ve forgotten the warmth of the sun, and the feel of clean rain swirling down from storm-tossed clouds. The music just won’t stop and. . .

Oh.

Oh, no.

My foot. It’s. . . It’s twitching. In rhythm. And Hell’s House Band is still playing.

I think it’s too late for me.

Run! Run! Save yourselves!

Ah, good times. Good times.

Wait, I hear you asking. You said the names were changed to protect the innocent and yet there’s Barry’s name up there, bold as brass. To which I answer, “Yes. And?”

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Showing Off At The Expo

This is a report, live from the Baby Shower & Toddler Expo. Well, not live, per se. But live in that I’m sitting at our table in the Expo while I’m typing this.

Don’t you just love technology? Out somewhere far away from electricity and internet communication and yet I’m still able to get across all this great stuff. Okay, fine. For certain very not great values of great, but you get the idea.
Barry and I went down to the Baby Shower & Toddler Expo at the Park Convention Center in Charlotte to tell people about our book, A Dude’s Guide to Babies. And maybe sell a few. We did.

I also discovered that I still have an exceedingly low tolerance for kiddie music. Not music that kids like, but music specifically designed for something to which kids should listen.

You know the kind.

We were serenaded by a kid puppet show at least four times during the Expo. Four times, these giant-headed puppet things came out and, in squeaky high voices pitched in such a way to be deliberately horrifying to adult ears.
And then they sang. Well, they did have a human singer and he was good, actually. Quite good. But the puppet things. Their loud, loud recorded voices. . .

I learned that not only is Hell real, it has a house band.

But enough whining. No, seriously. Enough whining. I’m not kidding.

Barry and I had a great time talking to the dudes who walked past our booth. We met a lot of really interesting folks, both pregnant and not-pregnant.

Not only that, but we managed to meet most of the other exhibitors and found them to be a really nice bunch of people. Lots of cool things on offer, including some astonishingly creative and talented photographers. More about whom later.

I also learned that I still have an amazingly soft spot for little babies. They’re so little and so cute and so soft and. . . Well, suffice to say, I quite enjoyed seeing them toddle by. Even better when their moms and dads stopped by the booth and I got to say hi. Even better, I got to let go of them and watch them wander off with their parents before they started screaming, fussing and needing to be changed. Yeah, grandparents really do seem to have the right idea.
Now the only question we’re left with is, do we go down to Atlanta for the next Expo? Long drive, overnight. Long hours. On the plus side, I’d not have to cook anyone’s meals and be able to control the remote. Maybe, maybe.

If you’re one of the folks Barry and I met down at the Expo, thanks so much for stopping by. It was great meeting all of you. If you’re the one who stayed away. . . We have a very particular set of skills. We will find you. We will k–
You know what? That really doesn’t work if you don’t have Liam Neeson’s voice.

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A Little Advance Warning

Every once in a while, we start getting a bit more serious here on the Guide.

A little warning, this coming rest of the week is going to be a bit more serious.

Last week, I talked extensively with the author of a new book about autism and autism-spectrum disorders. He had some really quite interesting things to say about the prevalence and incidence of the disorder and what that means for our society.

It was a good talk and it covered a lot of ground. I thought it was important, so I’m giving the next three days over to that discussion.

I’d really like to hear from you dudes and dudettes out there about this topic. I mean, it’s not something that gets swept under the rug. There are estimates that one in every 50 people in the United States has some form of autism. One of the contradictions of the disorder is that it’s assumed to be a genetic-based disorder, yet you really can’t have a genetic epidemic. A new mutation can’t just sweep a population, can it?

Just one of the questions I’ll be answering when we start our three-part chat with Dr. Robert Melillo on Wednesday. Join us, won’t you?

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