Category Archives: A Dude’s Guide to Marriage

Check It Before You Wreck It

And by check it, I mean, of course, check it out over at Charlotte Parent.

We’re in our Stay-At-Home Dudes blog you’ve come to know and love.

I’m doing a little bit of promotion for a great local lecture here in Charlotte called Sex & Sensibility. It’s all about how women can rediscover passion in their lives and create the healthy sex life they deserve.

And, yes, men are encouraged to attend. I’ll be there.

You should be there as well.

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Five

There are five days left for you to shop for Christmas presents.

And that’s including you rushing out for gifts on Christmas Eve, when the only things open are gas stations, dollar stores, and that guy standing by his car on the side of the road with his trunk open and a hopeful expression on his face.

Not among the best choices available, dudes.

I’m going to say that, if you’ve not done your shopping by now. . . It’s not too late, but, dude, the fat lady is warming up in the wings.

The thing about giving a good present to your wife or significant other, is that you can’t do it rushed. When you’re rushed, you’re worried and pressured and we all know no one thinks at their best when they’re feeling like a 500-pound gorilla is about to pounce on them from behind and start playing bendy straws with their arms and legs.

It’s just not a good feeling, that pressure.

Which is why I advise you not to rush out and buy something. Instead, take a (very short) wait. Think about anything your wife or S.O. has said to you lately. Remember any wistful looks as you passed by a store window, any meaningful sighs while watching television as a particularly obnoxious ad came on for the fifteenth time in the last hour.

Once you’ve got your gift in mind, still pause and think up  couple of alternatives. You don’t want to panic and blank out when you’re shopping. That’s when you start picturing that silverback mountain gorilla’s hot, wet breath on the back of your neck and you start grabbing at whatever is in reach and you come back with a gold-plated cigarette holder and something that looks like the squalid abomination squatted out by an extinct species of rhino and then bronzed by a drunk Bulgarian sculptor on a two-month bender.

An oddly specific analogy, I realize, but I’m not speaking from personal experience here.*

Now that you’ve got a list, you need to figure out where you can go to actually get the stuff on your list. Make a plan and realize that, by waiting until now, where ever you go to purchase stuff, it’s going to be crowded. There will be many, many people and all of them will be just as intensely focused on getting done their own lists.

Take a breath and be calm. It’s going to be all right.

If you can’t find the first item on your list, then ask around. Maybe there’s another store that stocks it. Be nice when you start asking, though, because if there’s anyone more harassed than a last-minute-shopping dude, it’s the poor retail drones helping them.

If you still can’t find the item, it’s still not time to panic because you wisely listened to the Dude’s Guide and you made a list of a few other things you’d like to buy.

Once you get the item, you’re all set.

All you have to do now is wrap it. Fortunately for most of us, a lot of stores will even wrap the present for you.

So now you’re all set, dudes. Get out there and start shopping.

Me? Oh, I’m done. I was 90 percent finished a couple of days after Thanksgiving. No way I’m going out there now. I’m not that crazy.

Not that I’m saying you dudes are.*

*As far as you can prove.


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Isn’t It Until Death Do Us Part?

Some people just can’t let go.

Take, for instance, Marcel H. and his wife, who live/lived in Liege, Belgium. An older couple, by all accounts they had lived a long and happy life. Unfortunately, at some point in the last year or so, Marcel H. died.

His wife was one of those people who just can’t let go. Literally.

A woman had been sleeping next to her dead husband’s decomposed corpse for one year until authorities made the grisly discovery this week.

Apparently, 79-year-old “Marcel H.” from Liege, Belgium, died back in November 2012 of an asthma attack, according to Carters News Agency. His wife was so upset that she failed to report the death and continued to sleep with the body until Belgian authorities made the bizarre finding on Tuesday, Nov. 19.

They were led to the apartment because the landlord claimed the couple hadn’t paid their rent since last year. Neighbors never reported a bad smell. The body had mummified.

Okay, sure. Bodies can become mummified even without any sort of special treatment. They need a warm, dry environment in which the excess fluids will be leached out of the tissues, allowing said tissues to harden and dry out.

However, for that to happen, decomposition has to set in first and, dudes, that stinks like you wouldn’t believe.

And Mrs. H, Marcel’s wife, continued sleeping with the dead, decaying body of her husband for about a year before she was found. I’m sure the smell became a bit more tolerable over that time, but I just can’t imagine staying in that apartment during the first stages of decomposition.

I’m going to include a picture of the scene, but place it under the cut because I don’t want it to be just sitting out here in the open. I’ll see you there. Or not.

Continue reading Isn’t It Until Death Do Us Part?

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