Every year about this time I find myself cringing for a couple of days without knowing why. Then the list comes out and I remember what I’d been trying so hard to get out of my head.
The list comes from a website called babycenter, dudes, and it’s something only for the stout of heart. We’re talking the top baby names given to the barely born young dudes and dudettes in 2012.
The top names aren’t that bad, per se, but it’s the names that populate the list nearer the bottom that really make me start to worry for the future.
Let’s get the expected out of the way first. Top five girl baby names: Sophia, Emma, Olivia, Isabella and Ava (although, yeah, that one has a screaming horror in it. I have an appalling sense that the parents who named their dudette Isabella will be calling her Bella and hoping she meets a nice dead boy named Edward.). The top five dude names for 2012 are: Aiden, Jackson, Ethan, Liam and Mason (I know he’s popular and all, but naming your son after Liam Neeson? Really? Parents, there’s no way he can live up to that awesome! You’re handing him a crushing burden.).
Now let’s talk ugly. According to the website, parents are not only enamored of the Apple products they talk with or tap with or compute with, but they love them so much they name their kids after the products. The name Apple, rose 585 spots on the list of names for girls. Mac jumped 12 percent in the names for boys, while Siri (the name of the iPhone virtual assistant), rose 5 percent on the list for girls.
Even worse, parents were naming their children after characters in the faux-bondage trilogy, 50 Shades of Gray. Wow! Naming them after a bondage book. That is an. . . interesting choice, folks.
I named my sons after boring things, but I think they’re happy with the names I chose. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be called Sarcasmo? Or Zippy the College Boy? Or Hyper Lad? Those names just reek of elegance and sophisti– ti– erm, ah, swaveness.
What’s your favorite worst name of the year? Leave the contenders in comments.
Hey, dudes. Did I mention that Barry and I have a book coming out?
A Dude’s Guide to Babies? Available fromAmazonandBarnes & Nobleand booksellers everywhere starting on April 15, 2013, but available for pre order even now?
Well, it’s true. We do.
To get this baby ready to be published, I had to do a little extra writing. Okay, not a little extra writing. A lot of extra writing. Sadly, it turns out that not all of that deathless prose was able to be used in the book.
Which means we get to recycle it for you. Here. Right now.
Here’s some great stuff that we loved, but just didn’t really have the room for it. And we don’t have the room for it all here, either, so we’re splitting it into two days. So you’ve got plenty of time to enjoy our take on. . .
Ten Strange and Unusual Things Found on a Newborn Dude
There’s no particular order here, because what’s odd to most people could just be something the next dude sees in the mirror every morning. Sorry, but it’s true. Anyway.
When your little dude or dudette comes out to say hello for the first time, you’re going to be all gushing and glowing and giggling with joy. It’s your child! She’s wonderful! He’s amazing!
Give it an hour for the bliss hormones to wash out of your system, because that’s about how long it’s going to take before you start noticing . . . stuff. Odd and unusual stuff. You’re going to start seeing the imperfections on your little bundle of joy and that’s . . . okay. Really it is.
You can’t go through life thinking the little dude is perfect. He isn’t. Sorry to be the ones to tell you.
This list, in no particular order, covers some of the things you’re going to notice once the rose-colored glasses fall off and reality starts to set in.
1. An uncanny resemblance to WWII-era Winston Churchill. No, really. It’s true and it’s not just your little dudette. We’re firmly of the belief that all newborn babies come out looking like Winnie, only minus the cigars. “We will change them in the fields. . . ”
2. Cradle cap. This one’s pretty gross. Seborrheic dermatitis is a temporary and harmless condition in infants. It presents as flaky, crusty, brown or yellow scales on the baby’s scalp, ears, nose or eyelids. The good news is it’s mostly treatable with dandruff or medicated shampoo. It’s not contagious and it’s not because you’re a bad dad. It just happens to some little dudes.
3. That really is your child. Nobody pulled a fast one on you at the hospital. Even though your little dude had blue eyes when he was born, it’s more than possible that he’ll have brown eyes he’s six months old. For many babies, the blue color is merely the starter color.
We’ll be back tomorrow with even more. Can you dudes stand the suspense?
All right, dudes. I sent you to the panda cam to watch some baby pandas and and a momma panda. Still, considering that this was real life (of a sort) I’m pretty sure we didn’t get all that much drama.
This time, though. Well, let’s just say this is the clip-show, greatest-hits version of the baby panda cam.
Before you watch, though, make sure you turn off your computer’s sound. The narration is a bit annoying. To me at least. You might feel differently. Still, the visuals are cuter than you can imagine. Go ahead. Click. Look.