Baby Needs A New Name

by Richard

Every year about this time I find myself cringing for a couple of days without knowing why. Then the list comes out and I remember what I’d been trying so hard to get out of my head.

The list comes from a website called babycenter, dudes, and it’s something only for the stout of heart. We’re talking the top baby names given to the barely born young dudes and dudettes in 2012.

The top names aren’t that bad, per se, but it’s the names that populate the list nearer the bottom that really make me start to worry for the future.

Let’s get the expected out of the way first. Top five girl baby names: Sophia, Emma, Olivia, Isabella and Ava (although, yeah, that one has a screaming horror in it. I have an appalling sense that the parents who named their dudette Isabella will be calling her Bella and hoping she meets a nice dead boy named Edward.). The top five dude names for 2012 are: Aiden, Jackson, Ethan, Liam and Mason (I know he’s popular and all, but naming your son after Liam Neeson? Really? Parents, there’s no way he can live up to that awesome! You’re handing him a crushing burden.).

Now let’s talk ugly. According to the website, parents are not only enamored of the Apple products they talk with or tap with or compute with, but they love them so much they name their kids after the products. The name Apple, rose 585 spots on the list of names for girls. Mac jumped 12 percent in the names for boys, while Siri (the name of the iPhone virtual assistant), rose 5 percent on the list for girls.

Even worse, parents were naming their children after characters in the faux-bondage trilogy, 50 Shades of Gray. Wow! Naming them after a bondage book. That is an. . . interesting choice, folks.

I named my sons after boring things, but I think they’re happy with the names I chose. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be called Sarcasmo? Or Zippy the College Boy? Or Hyper Lad? Those names just reek of elegance and sophisti– ti– erm, ah, swaveness.

What’s your favorite worst name of the year? Leave the contenders in comments.

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