Universal Translator

by Richard

So the other day I was watching the original Men in Black with the young dudes. Not that we make a habit of watching these sorts of movies (snicker. Yeah, right), but with the new sequel coming out, the original is all over the place.

Anyway, the bit that struck me was the part where Will Smith’s character and Tommy Lee Jones’ character are looking at some of the examples of alien tech that fund the organization. Smith’s K points out a universal translator.

“We’re not even supposed to have this and I’ll tell you why,” K says. “Human thought is so primitive it’s looked upon as an infectious disease in some of the better galaxies. That kind of makes you proud, doesn’t it?”

Disregarding the sorts of things that make K proud, that got me thinking about how much good a universal translator would be for dudes with kids. Seriously, think about it.

When the infant dude is crying, you’d actually be able to know why, instead of having to guess and hope for the best like we do today.

We might also be able to use to find out that, nope, Timmy isn’t down the well,Buzz just really wants a good scratch and maybe some of that bacon we cooked a week or so ago.

Imagine turning the universal translator on near a teenager. You’d be able to cut through the sarcasm, the defensive cynicism and the show of indifference and get to the teenaged dude’s real thoughts and feelings. Of course, most of those will concern getting a good scratch and maybe some of that bacon in the fridge, but at least you wouldn’t have to endure the scathing condescension.

No matter how useful it could be, though, there are situations in which I’d dare not bring it out.

Of course, I’d never actually use the universal translator on my wife, known to me as She Who Must Be Taken Literally Except When She Doesn’t Want To And Doesn’t Tell Me When It Changes Because I Should Just Know, or, really, any wife. I mean, having it try to translate the umptillion definitions of fine alone would probably be enough to send it shrieking back home, wailing for its silicon mommy. I mean, I’m not that cruel.

Share on Facebook Tags: A Dude's Guide to Kids, Bacon, Buzz, Condescension, crying, Cynicism, disease, dude, Dude's, Feelings, Fridge, Galaxies, Habit, Indifference, Infectious Disease, Jones, Men In Black, movies, richard, sarcasm, Scratch, Sequel, Sorts, teenager, Thoughts And Feelings, Timmy, Tommy Lee, Tommy Lee Jones, Universal Translator, wife, Will Smith, Young Dudes

Zombie Uprising

by Richard

We’ll mark this as the week the zombie apocalypse finally got started.

We’ve been getting ready for this for years. Dudes all over the world have been taking zombie fitness courses, staging mass zombie walks, in which people dress as zombies and shuffle around for fun but which are, in fact, training courses for a select few in how to survive. All these things for when the dead rise and come at you looking to eat your face.

It’s happened.

Miami police shoot dead ‘growling cannibal’

A naked man found in Miami, Florida, eating the face of another naked man growled at a police officer before being shot dead, witnesses say.

The attacker was reportedly warned to back away but when he continued to eat the victim, the officer opened fire several times, killing him.

The only problem here is the media is calling the man a cannibal when, in point of fact, he is a zombie. Well, he would be a zombie if he was already dead before being shot repeatedly by police, once in the head.

Yeah, things are really lining up here.

According to police, though, this wasn’t a zombie attack.

Drugs may have played a part in the attack, police say, which happened next to a busy road on Saturday afternoon.

About 75% of the victim’s face was missing, local media have reported.

Cyclist Larry Vega said there was “blood all over the place” when he came across the horrific scene by MacArthur Causeway.

“The guy just stood his head up like that with a piece of flesh in his mouth and growled,” Mr Vega said.

Of course the authorities are going to say it was drugs (LSD and, I’m not kidding here, ‘bath salts’ being the most probable causal agent) and not a zombie attack. No point in riling the locals.

I’m sure there will be more and I’ll let you know as soon as I know.

Share on Facebook Tags: A Dude's Guide to Life, Attack Police, Attacker, Authorities, Bath Salts, Canada, Cannibal, Causal Agent, Drugs, dude, eating, Face, Fitness Courses, Flesh, florida, Local Media, Lsd, Macarthur Causeway, Miami Florida, Miami Police, Naked Man, Piece Of Flesh, Police Officer, richard, Saturday Afternoon, Uprising, Vega, Witness, Zombie, Zombie Apocalypse, Zombie Attack, Zombies

Rabbit Rescue

by Richard

Okay, I don’t think I’d call me a hero or anything like that. Although I did save a life.

Maybe something like Good Samaritan. Good Samaritan, who’s hem of his dirty robe you are not fit to even consider thinking about wondering if you should touch.

Or maybe I’m getting grandiose again. I’ll tell the story and let you dudes make the call.

The other day I was working in the driveway of Casa de Dude, which ends in some short grass which runs into a pretty tree-ful and wild backyard. As I’m working, I hear a tinkling coming from behind, but I ignore it. I’m too big to get attacked by the cats living around here.

What I should have realized is that I’m not the only person living around here. The orange cat, Nari (who putatively belongs to Sarcasmo) walked around a corner holding something furry and still in his mouth. At first, I thought it was a chipmunk, but it was too large. Then I thought it was a squirrel, the tail already bitten off and I was ecstatic. I really don’t like squirrels.

As proud of himself as Nari was, there was no way he would let go any opportunity to show off. Which meant his next move was to drop the maybe-tailless squirrel and let me get a good eyeful.

Which was when I realized it was, in fact, a rabbit.

Just about that time, the rabbit realized that Nari had stopped hugging it with his teeth and took off. Unfortunately, it took off into the garage. Nari chased after. And I chased after Nari.

The cat caught that rabbit a couple of times, swatted it left and right, and then let the rabbit keep running. I think Nari was having more fun chasing the rabbit than having already caught it.

Eventually, the rabbit fetched up in an empty shelf of our wall unit, which used to be inside the house, but now serves junk-holding duties out in the garage. I managed to keep Nari out of the way for a bit and grabbed the furry bunny.

It was soooo sooooffffftttttt. It was a pretty bunny, George.

Carrying the very still bunny to the house door, I let Nari inside, quickly closed the door and then speed-walked toward the woods from which the bunny came. Once I was deep enough into the weeds, I stopped struggling to hold the hoppity fellow and let it loose. The brown bunny scampered off in a hurry, leaving me to wonder how it could have been captured by a belled cat if it was that fast.

So there it is. Another life saved. My second rabbit. Hero? Good Samaritan? Schlub?

You dudes make the call.

Share on Facebook Tags: A Dude's Guide to Doing Good, A Dude's Guide to Life, bunny, cats, Chipmunk, dude, Eyeful, Ful, Fun, Fur, Guide, Hero, Orange Cat, Pretty Tree, Rabbit, Rabbit Rescue, richard, Robe, Running, Sarcasmo, Short Grass, Squirrel, Squirrels, teeth, Wall Unit, Weeds