Large, Disgusting And Coming Right At Me

July 14th, 2010 by Richard

by Richard

I was cleaning out a drawer in my bedroom the other day and I was reminded of a day, long, long past, when I was in college at the University of Florida, living in my Phi Delta Theta fraternity house and I was introduced to the flying monstrosity that is the Palmetto Bug.

For those of you blessedly unaware of this particular insect, think of a cockroach. That is really, really large. All of which I knew nothing about the first time I met one. This is what one looks like at rest.

Now, living in a fraternity house in Florida, I’d had to stock certain necessities. One of which was a flyswatter. But this was no ordinary flyswatter. For one thing it was shaped like a plastic gun. The flyswatting bit was launched from the gun by a powerful spring and could squash the unwary bug from a good four feet away. Of course, I’d have to do a bit (and only a bit. It was a fraternity house if you remember) of wall cleaning after, but it was a good tool. Handy and very funny.

Bless you, internet. I just found an exact picture of that beloved, but now long-lost tool.

It’s even the same color as the model I had. You really can find anything on the internet. Which, I guess, explains some of the more bizarre fetish sites sitting out there. But, really, the less said about that the better.

So. There I was sitting on a couch, which rested on top of my homemade loft. I was listening to the not-so-comforting creaking sounds the loft seemed to make at unpredictable intervals, reading an abnormal psychology text (not for self diagnosis, I hasten to add) and generally minding my own business.

That’s when I saw the cockroach skitter up the far wall and stop on an open space. That is, one of the few parts of the wall not covered with posters, notices, pictures and scraps of memories.

I smiled. This was going to be fun.

Moving slowly so as not to alarm it, I reached for the flygun. Once I had it in hand, I gradually aimed at the offending bug and put it in the bull’s eye. The only problem I could foresee was that this was one big bug. It was going to require actual clean up. Either that or another picture to tack up over it.

I pulled the trigger and sent the swatter flying across the room, smashing into the (again, what I thought was a) cockroach. Instead of smushing the thing into unidentifiable paste as it was supposed to, the swatter simply bounced off and fell to the ground.

I swear to you, dudes, that bug turned and just looked at me with its little buggy eyes full of hate. It glared. Disappointed, but undeterred, I reached for a section of the newspaper and was getting ready to do my own swatting, in the tried and true method, when I discovered one essential difference between cockroaches and Palmetto Bugs.

Palmetto Bugs can fly. This one took off from the wall and headed straight for my face. Someone screamed like a little girl. Manly dude that I am, I slumped to the floor and rolled away.

The Palmetto Bug landed on the wall next to me. I was startled, but determined. That bug had to die.

I reached for a shoe lying on the floor of the loft. The Palmetto Bug took off and headed toward me. I dropped the shoe and the bug went back to the wall. I reached for the shoe and the bug headed toward me. I moved my hand away from the shoe and the bug went back to the wall.

At which point I declared victory and decided to go out for pizza, figuring if I gave the bug enough time it would realize I’d won and it would quietly crawl away somewhere else and I wouldn’t have to deal with it. Ostriches, while not the sharpest bulbs in the drawer, do occasionally have some good ideas.

Now, I told you that story so I could tell you this next one. Tomorrow. At which point you’ll learn why this post is also listed under the guide to marriage.