And now, a little something from the book.
What a Long, Strange Trip It’ll Be
Remember those days, long ago, when you could pop out to the grocery store and get a couple of things and be back in twenty minutes? You do? Well, forget it. Those days are long gone, dude.
Now that the little dudette has arrived, she’s going to introduce you to Einsteinian time. That is, it’s all relative. She will make sure that every twenty-minute errand takes one hour. Every ten-minute pit stop, will take one hour. Every time you get into the car with her, it will take at least one hour.
In fact, having her will make every errand you run take about two to three times longer than it used to. But, that’s okay. You need to resign yourself to the fact that it’s going to take a lot of time and not rush. If you rush, you can do stupid things like forget her in the car, or get into an accident or even forget why you went out in the first place. Instead, just enjoy your time with her. It’s a cliché, but it’s a cliché because it’s true: they do grow up very, very fast. She will never be a month old again.
Instead of worrying that the errand is taking too long, when you stop to park, turn around and play footsie with her. Sure, that will take up a bit more time, but she will laugh and smile and, dude, that’s cool.
Hauling Ass Takes Two Loads
Or
Hurry Up and Finish Packing, We Leave in Three Days
Being in a relationship, you know that women can pack a whole lot of stuff when they go places. Well, having a baby means what the women pack is, really, nothing compared to what you’re going to have to pack for the little dude.
To start with, you’ll have to pack at least three different outfits for him for each day. You might not use them all, but, if you don’t bring the extra outfits, the gods of karma will make sure that’s the day the little dude wets through his outfit and has a blowout poop that shoots halfway up his back.
Yes, that really can happen. I’ve had to deal with it before and it’s not a pretty sight. Or smell, for that matter. It’s even worse if you’ve got nothing to change him into.
In addition to clothes, you’ll have to recreate his room in its entirety. That is, you’ll have to bring another of just about everything you use at home. There’s baby wipes, spare diapers, more spare diapers, a crib for him to sleep in, more baby wipes, bottles (if you use them), even more spare diapers, toys (not so much to amuse him on the ride as that’ll be your job, but to make that job of yours a little easier), any type of medicine he might conceivably need for any situation short of an emergency room visit, a cooler to store breast milk for bottles, something to heat the breast milk when he’s hungry, even more baby wipes, burp rags, a changing pad and about fifteen other things that we’ve probably forgotten. But, that’s okay, because we’re not the ones going on a trip with your little dude.
The first couple of times you go on a trip with him, you’ll probably forget something. The next trip, you’ll remember the first thing you forgot, but will forget the first thing you remembered last time. Don’t let it discourage you, just keep trying. Eventually you’ll get it right.
– Richard
Tags: A Dude's Guide to Babies, baby, Blowout, Breast, clothes, dude, Dudette, eat, emergency room, ET, Grocery Store, Having A Baby, Laugh, little dude, Medicine, men, pack, Pit Stop, Poop, Relationship, sleep, smell, Smile, Strange Trip, Stupid, Stupid Things, Three Times, toys, Trippin, Twenty Minutes, Wets, Whole Lot