In the spirit of The Graduate, let me give you parents out there one word of advice: Locks.
No, I’m not kidding. If you want to have any kind of sex life with your wife and/or girlfriend, you need to know that your very best friend is going to be a working lock on your bedroom door. Let me reemphasize that one: a working lock. Or at least one that really does lock when you think it’s been locked.
If you don’t have one of those, you might have an unexpected visitor. And if that happens, well, that’s the time to discover that you’ve really had superspeed for most of your life, but you never actually needed to use it before. It’s amazing just how fast you can cover up to 10 feet of bedroom floor when you’re properly motivated.
No, I’m not really talking from experience. Why do you ask?
And, while we’re at it, talking about bedroom necessities, try and make sure you’ve got a good CD or iPod player in the bedroom as well. Because, if you’re getting ready to do the horizontal bop and certain little dudes and dudettes are home (but [FSM willing] otherwise occupied for a small amount of time), you’ll want some musical accompaniment to drown out any errant noise, coming in either direction through that bedroom door. Why a CD or iPod player instead of a radio, you ask? Simple. You can choose the soundtrack. Nothing like a sudden appearance of “Weird” Al Yankovitch to really unthrow a switch.
So, yes. Locks and music. Good friends to have around the house.
– Richard
Tags: A Dude's Guide to Kids, A Dude's Guide to Marriage, advice, Amount Of Time, Bedroom Floor, Best Friend, dude, Dude's, Dudette, Dudettes, girl, Girlfriend, Good Friend, Good Friends, Horizontal Bop, kid, little dude, little dudes, Lock Stock And Barrel, Locks, men, music, Musical Accompaniment, Necessities, parents, Radio, sex, sex life, Spirit, Sudden Appearance, Unexpected Visitor, Weird Al, wife, Word Of Advice