A Dude's Guide. . . to everything

Halloween: The Aftermath

Oy, chocolate hangover. I didn’t even know you could get those. Maybe it has more to do with my aging body than the 97 pounds of chocolate and peanut butter and soft squishy things I’m hoping were candy that I consumed. I don’t know, but I’ve certainly got the head and stomach that says I’m paying for all the free stuff we got last night.

Or it could have something to do with my going Trick or Beer-ing last night. Odd to believe, but that really works. On a lark, just to pass the time between stops and between times I snuck off and hid so I could scare my youngest little dude, I rang some doorbells and said, “Trick or beer!” And someone actually gave me a beer. I was so shocked. I almost couldn’t believe it. I figured I’d stop while I was ahead, but it was a nice surprise.

My two oldest little dudes decided they didn’t want to be seen with Mr. Incredible, so they took off with a mutual friend and went on their own. I’m assuming it went well since they returned home unscathed and there were no sirens or flashing lights following them home. Boy, Halloween sure has calmed down since I roamed the streets convinced of my own immortality and invincibility.

My youngest little dude, however, stuck close to dad all night. He was dressed up as some sort of camouflaged, futuristic soldier. I think he picked it because the costume came with a (rubber) knife, a helmet and goggles. Those’ll get some play for the rest of the year. We wandered with several different groups and hit houses for many blocks around. It was another great Halloween.

I hope yours was at least as fun. Or, as Steve Martin once (almost) said, “If you had half as much fun as I did, then I’ve had twice as much fun as you.”

– Richard

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You Don’t Dress Up, You Don’t Go Out

If there’s one thing I don’t like about Halloween, it’s answering my door and finding teenagers not wearing costumes standing there with their hands out for candy. Seriously, dudes, without a costume you’re just begging.

The spirit (hah! Spirit! Get it?) of Halloween is found in the costumes the kids and adults dress up in and parade around the streets and/or bars. (Obviously, you know, only for adults on that last one.) You can let your inner geek run free and dress as the Star Wars character you always whished you were. You can let delusion take over and dress as the muscle-bound action hero. Or even as a gorilla. Whatever. The point is, you need to get into costume and into character before you go out wandering the streets looking for candy.

Uncostumed teens just tick me off. They shouldn’t be going door to door without wearing costumes. They ought to do what I did when I stopped wearing costumes as a teenager. I just threatened the little kids who were wearing costumes and they gave me their candy. Nothing wrong with that. It’s a time-honored tradition.

My oldest little dude has always been into putting together a Halloween costume. As he’s aged, he’s moved away from already-made costumes to ones he puts together himself, grabbing an old robe costume, buying some rubber stabby things and a mask. Viola, he’s a demon monk. My middle little dude, however, last year said he wasn’t going to dress up as anything, but he was still going out.

I and my wife, known to some as She Who Must Wear Costumes More Often, put our feet through the floor. We told him if he wasn’t going to dress up, he was going to stay home and pass out candy. He whined and moaned and pouted and shouted, but we stood firm. Eventually, the love of candy won out. He threw together a costume, went out and had a great time with all the other costumed teens out there.

Fortunately, my middle little dude seems to have learned that Halloween lesson since, as I said, he and his brother are going as Jake and Elwood Blues, the Blues Brothers. I, myself, am going out as Mr. Incredible. I know, I know, I’m dressing to type, but I thought I’d take it easy this year.

Now, suit up, get out and have fun tonight. Heck, you could even Wang Chung tonight. (another joke for the old people)

– Richard

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On A Mission From God

Get out the pumpkins and bring on the flashing knives. Halloween is getting closer and I’m in hog heaven (without, you know, all the slop and mud and oinking. So, maybe not hog heaven, but a happy place) over the choices my two oldest little dudes have made for their Halloween costumes. They’re going as Jake and Elwood Blues, the Blues Brothers.

My job here is done.

No not done, for real, but at least I have managed to hammer home some of the classics. In music, they love Jimmy Buffet and Bob Marley. And their taste in movies has progressed beyond the latest Disney cartoon or PG-13 teen sex farces and into the realm of the sublime. I’ve even got them quoting lines.

“It’s 106 miles to Chicago, we have a full tank of gas, a half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark and we’re wearing sunglasses.”

“Hit it.”

My oldest little dude wore his Jake costume to high school for spirit week and he said he had to explain to a lot of kids just who, exactly, he was supposed to be. It’s shameful the way some parents neglect the education of their children. No respect for the classics.

– Richard

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