A Dude’s Guide

Some things, it seems, never will change. Take my middle little dude, just as a for instance. Zippy the monkey boy got his name because, as a little little dude, he would climb anything he saw. I mean anything. Couches, legs, counters, trees, fences, cars. Seriously. Anything.

I’d thought that as he grew older (he’s now approaching his 15th birthday) he just might have grown out of it. Turns out I was wrong. Very, very wrong.

When we were at the beach for our family vacation last month, Zippy and I parted ways after the deep-sea fishing trip. He stayed behind to eat lunch with some of the cousins his own age, while I headed into town for a little shopping. What can I say? That’s how I roll.

Anyway, he headed home with the cousins to an empty condo. There was no one home. To top it off, the front and back doors were locked and, he said, he couldn’t find any way in.

So, what did he do? Did he decide to stay with the cousins? Did he ask an adult for help? No. Of course not.

He reverted to type.

Zippy the monkey boy decided to climb up the outside of the condo to the second-story balcony, clamber over the iron railing and then open the sliding-glass door to get inside. Luckily, the sliding-glass door was unlocked and he got in without incident.

Here’s an artist’s conception of Zippy the monkey boy getting into the empty condo.

Considering the artist has never met Zippy, well, let’s just say it’s a pretty good likeness.

– Richard

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I’m not just talking about a seminal punk-ish band. No, I’m using that as a pun so I can talk about blowin’ stuff up. What can I say? I’m a dude. We like to blow stuff up. It’s in our genes.

Which might go a long way toward explaining why it’s on the list of top holidays for my three little dudes. Just yesterday, Speed Racer was perusing the newspaper (searching for the comics. I can’t get him interested in the actual news of a newspaper. Yet.) when he ran across a story about fireworks being sold and sold a lot. He was, to say the least, a bit excited.

“Can we go there? To this place? They’ve got two for one. We can get a lot of fireworks. Can we go today? Right now?”

I had to calm him down a little. For one thing, it’s difficult to talk to someone when they’re clawing into the ceiling and running about like a hyperactive spider. For another, I knew I’d have to wait for his brother, Sarcasmo, to get home from his leadership camp. It would not be good if we were to go buy fireworks and leave Sarcasmo behind. I’d never hear the end of it.

Still, this is an event to which we all look forward. Me because it’s fun to watch all three little dudes pick out stuff to blow up. Them because, well, they’re picking out stuff to blow up.

Our favorites are mortars. Just because we love the thump as they launch and they really do look fantastic when they explode all the way up there in the air.

– Richard

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For a lot of dudes, the responsibility for a kid ends once they get their partner pregnant. After that, they think, it’s a woman’s job. Barry and I, rather obviously, disagree with that.

It’s the responsibility of every dude with a kid to spend as much time as possible with that kid. She’s going to need you in her life and you’re going to find that you need her just as much, if not more.

Barry has a little something to say about that. When we adopted our fourth child, the youngest, she was only three days old. I stayed home with her for a week, just me, while my wife had to go to work. It was hard, no question about that. I had to learn on the job how to take care of an infant girl. But I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. Really. I got to be there for her and hold her and gaze into her eyes, and, of course, change all of her diapers. For almost a week, I was her whole world. And that’s a wonderful thing. I got to bond with her and she got to bond with me. What I remember most about that first week is having that child sling strapped across my chest and letting her sleep there. It was just soothing for me to feel her there because I could see and feel that she was breathing and happy and I didn’t have to worry about anything. I also took off time to be with the other kids we adopted, but, because they were older, it was a little bit easier to take care of them.

People say there’s a special bond between mother and child because she carried the baby for nine months inside her body. And, yeah, that’s probably true. We couldn’t say for sure. We only looked pregnant.

As for me, when our youngest was about a month old, I took over care of him all day. That was a shock. I’d only ever cared for our older boys when they were, in fact, older. I never knew how much harder it would be with such a little dude. He ran me ragged. So ragged, in fact, that when he took a nap, so did I. But, still, it was great to have all that time with him. Now, when he skins his knee, he cries out for daddy. I like that.

If you’re worried about what you’re going to do the first few times you get left alone with your little dude, well, don’t be. It’s not nearly as hard as you think. So your little dude is home and you’re ready for some serious quality daddy time with him and what’s the first thing you bring out? A regulation NFL football. Dude, the little dude is not ready for that sort of thing.

That’ll have to wait for a while yet. But toys are something you do need to do some serious thinking about. In any toy store, there’s plenty of advice about what type of toy is appropriate for what age dude. Make sure you look at the age appropriate rating of the toy before you bring it home for the little dude.

At one month old, your little dude is not going to do much with a Major League Baseball mobile that plays Take Me Out To The Ballgame. But he will love rattles and books or images with high-contrast patterns. There’s also plenty of books you can find that will tell you what toys and activities are appropriate for different ages.

But you don’t need toys to have a good time with your little dude. Because the best toy you’ll ever give the little dude is your own bad self. Even if your singing voice is bad enough that you sound terrible in the shower, your little dude will still love to hear you sing to him.

My favorite thing to do to my little dudes, even now when the two oldest dudes are  teenagers, is to sneak up on them and tickle them mercilessly. No toys needed, just nimble fingers. And quick feet. They like to counterattack.

Believe it or not, there are even books you can buy that have a whole set of hand games you can play with your little dude. All it takes is a little effort and you can have a great day with the little dude.

– Richard

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