A Dude’s Guide

by Richard

There are very few things on this planet I love to do more than sit down, crack open a new book (pixel or paper) and then lose myself deep inside the world of the author’s imagination that has been chained to the page to set me free through words. *sigh* It even causes me to get all poetic, like.

Reason I’m getting into all that with you dudes, is to let you know about a new event we’re going to be having here in the United States that’s trying to make sure more people read for pleasure.

A little background: study after study has shown that people who read for pleasure have a better vocabulary and a better vocabulary is associated with increased success at work, higher salary and a person being better thought of. In addition, younger people who read for fun are more likely to succeed in school and more likely to develop the attitude that reading to learn is a good thing and not something to be avoided.

And, like I said, reading can be a heck of a lot of fun.

One of those things I mentioned that I like better than reading a book? It’s the look on someone’s face when I find just the right book for them and they suddenly realize that reading doesn’t have to be drudgery. It can be something you look forward to doing.

I’m not alone in that enjoyment. In fact, a lot of people seem to like that feeling. Which sort of goes a long way toward explaining World Book Night, set for April 23, 2012 (fittingly, just the day before Sarcasmo’s birthday. Sarcasmo who’s more than a voracious reader). This is a fantastic event.

World Book Night is an annual celebration designed to spread a love of reading and books. To be held in the U.S. as well as the U.K. and Ireland on April 23, 2012. It will see tens of thousands of people go out into their communities to spread the joy and love of reading by giving out free World Book Night paperbacks.

World Book Night, through social media and traditional publicity, will also promote the value of reading, of printed books, and of bookstores and libraries to everyone year-round. Successfully launched in the U.K. in 2011, World Book Night will also be celebrated in the U.S. in 2012, with news of more countries to come in future years. 

Note up there it says that people will be giving away World Book Night paperbacks? Yeah, well I don’t think that’s enough. Especially considering that I was too late in signing up to get any of the books.

I’m going to launch a guerrilla action, giving away paperback books to random people in the street. You heard me, I’m going to play Word Santa, giving the joy of reading to whoever I see on April 23. That’s not a lot of time to get ready, so I’d better start searching through the voluminous Jones archives for something everyone will love. Gotta get crackin’.

Oh, yeah. The headline. That’s the start to a great joke about reading by Groucho Marx: “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”

Lotta truth there. No question about it.

by Richard

It’s not too late, dudes. I’m sure you can rush right out after work and stop by a gas station quikie mart on your way home and get a perfectly acceptable and romantic Valentine’s Day gift for your wife. I’m sure of it.

Okay. No. I’m not. You’re doomed. Fess up and take it like a man.

Whatever you do, don’t use the excuse that Valentine’s Day is just some made-up holiday designed to sell a lot of cards and chocolate and flowers and all that and that you really show your love every single day because she’s so wonderful and you shouldn’t be held to some artificial standard invented by marketing executives when you love her so much your love can’t be contained to only one day so you thought you’d keep spreading it out because you love her so very much.

It doesn’t work.

Trust me. I know.

Don’t ask me how I know, but I do know. The Bruise Of ’08 could tell you such a story. But won’t.

No, all this is true. It really is a silly marketing ploy, but, unfortunately, it’s one that works. People have become conditioned to believe that we need to show our love for our significant others (or significantly important this month ones) on Feb. 14. This is the day we need to adjust our definitions of romance to exclude things like TV trays, take-out bags, anything that comes in sets of six, or ties (when intended to be worn around the neck).

Remember when I said you were doomed. You’re not. Not really. Even a single flower, given with enough sincerity and meaningfulness, can stir even the coldest heart. Once you learn to fake those, you’re in.

Happy Valentine’s Day, dudes!

by Richard

Rumors of giant monsters are nothing new. Pick out any people on any continent and there’ll be rumors of some vast, horrible creature living out in the middle of nowhere.

There’s the Yeti in Nepal. Nessie in the Loch Ness. Sasquatch in North America. (Insert joke about bloated, do-nothing US Congress here. Assume it’ll be really, really funny)

Apparently, there’s another monster to add to the family invite list during reunion time. Okay, this one has been around for a while, first sighting in 1345, but it’s a new one to this dude and that’s what counts. I mean, nothing counts until it’s noticed by an American, right?

Anyway. The monster is called Lagarfljótsormurinn. It’s found in Iceland and is a river/lake monster.

The story goes that a woman put a special worm on a gold ring to make it grow. Why a worm on a gold ring would make the ring grow, they don’t say. I think it’s something phallic, but that’s probably just me. I’ll leave it up to your imagination. Anyway, the woman came back and found, to her horror, the gold was just the same, but the worm had grown large and turgid. (nothing to see here. Move along.)

Terrified, the woman firmly grasped the worm in her two strong hands, struggling with it as she raised it up and down, up and down, until finally shoving it into the deep, wet depths of a lake. Along with the gold ring. Nope. No subtext there in that legend.

So the Lagarfljótsormurinn has been living in Iceland for a while, but sort of on the QT. Now, though, it’s cover has been blown thanks to the ubiquitous nature of video cameras on cell phones. There’s video proof(ish) of the monster’s existence!

A local, and by local I mean Icelandic, newspaper has some great video of the supposed lake monster. Go check it out. The site is in Icelandic so you might want to translate it. Of course, the translation is, like most computer-assisted translations, wildly original in its use of word and meaning, but it does (sort of) get the point across.

It might be nothing, but, then again. It might be something. And you’ll be able to say you saw a river worm grown large and turgid. Or maybe not.